Jokes Thread

[PooMan UK]

So apparently not everyone is seeing the same thing from that link, so instead, I am going to post a snip of the image that came up.

That explains why I've gained some weight...

mmmmm The "immaculate 3D conception" now that's a new one :roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

It's NOT how I had our baby... mine was the old fashion way.

 

[A Guy]

It's NOT how I had our baby... mine was the old fashion way.

You didn't name her Tootie (2D) did you?

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO way.. in fact I changed the name we had picked out
to use when I saw her.. it just didn't fit... so her name became Debra Lynn..
she is known as Deb.

 

[whs]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[steve-pressman]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Now those are funny


Steve

 

[steve-pressman]

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

 

[Borg 386]

A man and a woman had been married for 10 years, but the wife was starting to get annoyed with her husbands habit of making love in total darkness.

Since their wedding night he had insisted on making love only when all the lights were out and she finally decided she would see what was going on.

Just as they were about to start, she switched on the light and there, to her surprise, was her husband holding a cucumber where his organ should have been.

"You sneaky worthless SOB!" she screamed, "All these years you've been doing this, I have a good mind to leave you right now and call my lawyer!"

The husband just looked at her and commented:

"Speaking of sneaky, how do you explain our 3 kids?"

 

[spinifex]

Some excellent, funny jokes being posted.

Thanks for giving me a good laugh.:roflmao:

Jon

 

[Borg 386]

Why men should not babysit

From rugged north-western Pakistan where the battle with the Taliban rages comes such a gem of pragmatic Imagination....

 

[CarlTR6]

It's NOT how I had our baby... mine was the old fashion way.

You didn't name her Tootie (2D) did you?

A Guy

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

So apparently not everyone is seeing the same thing from that link, so instead, I am going to post a snip of the image that came up.

Things that make me wonder about: Woman gets pregnant by watching 3d movie

>The lady may have been soo messed up on alcohol/drugs/whatnot/everything at once, that perhaps she THOUGHT she was watching a 3d movie. Either way, it's scary having a wife/girlfriend that far removed from reality.

>That the husband, who might be in denial/shock/hugely amused, agreed with her explanation.

>That the lady could not come up with anything better then that. Hell....an explanation of "I was beamed on board a UFO & inseminated by one eyed martians" would sound more plausible then that one.

>Since technology has apparently progressed faster then anyone could imagine, from now on while watching a 3D porn movie, anyone sitting in front of the screen will need to be sure to use birth control.

>With that explanation given by the woman, the possibility surely exists that if a guy does slip up and forgets to wear birth control, one of the "actresses" could show up at your door with a kid saying "You didn't wear a condom while watching!"

 

[A Guy]

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, all wanted to join their local church.

The Pastor said to them, "We have special requirements for new members. To be accepted, you must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples all agreed to the terms and came back at the end of the two weeks.

The Pastor turned to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the congregation!" said the Pastor.

The Pastor then asked the middle-aged couple, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

The man replied, "Well, the first week wasn't too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights; but yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the congregation!" said the Pastor.

The Pastor then turned to the newlywed couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"The newlyweds had their heads down, no Pastor, we weren't able to go without sex for the entire two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the Pastor.

"Well, six days into the two weeks, my wife bent over to get some fruit. When she bent over to pick it up, I was suddenly overcome with lust and I took advantage of her right there and then."

"You do understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our congregation," stated the Pastor.

"We know that Pastor," said the young man, grimly. "We're no longer welcome at the supermarket either."

A Guy

 

[steve-pressman]

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal." "That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"


"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

 

[Borg 386]

Why men should not babysit #2

Very creative actually....I need to remember some of these

 

[ryo]

Very creative actually....I need to remember some of these

creative...

 

[Arc]

Very creative actually....I need to remember some of these

creative...

So destructive then :drool:

 

[Kirsch]

Very creative actually....I need to remember some of these

creative...

So destructive then :drool:

I'd go with lazy lol

 

[Tews]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I didn't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[Jonathan_King]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I didn't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Good one Tom.