Jokes Thread

[WindowsStar]

This might appeal to our British members more although funny it really needs a good understanding of British humour to appreciate it.



hold your plums:wasy question about left hand drive


Steve

Awesome!

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Long Live Bachelors


Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!


--Anonymous


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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.


--Oscar Wilde


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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.



--Scottish Proverb


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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.


--Sam Kinison


---------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.


--H. L. Mencken


---------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.


---------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:


either the car is new or the wife.


---------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.


--Anonymous


----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"


--Anonymous


------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.



--Anonymous



-------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.



--Anonymous



---------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."



--Anonymous



---------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."



--Anonymous



---------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!



--Anonymous



---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."



----------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled "It really works!"

 

[CarlTR6]

Hilarious, Shyam. Here is one more:

One never knows what true happiness is until he marries - then it is too late

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Hilarious, Shyam. Here is one more:

One never knows what true happiness is until he marries - then it is too late

Thanks .. Good one :roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.



--Anonymous

Funeral services are Saturday at 2pm!

These are great Capt. Jack!

 

[whs]

Shyam, tears from laughing are still running down my face - I can hardly see the letters on the keyboard. What a hilarious collection. But the wife did not agree with me.

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Shyam, tears from laughing are still running down my face - I can hardly see the letters on the keyboard. What a hilarious collection. But the wife did not agree with me.

Obviously she won't !!
I had the same feeling then i posted here

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.



--Anonymous

Funeral services are Saturday at 2pm!

These are great Capt. Jack!

Thanks Dennis

 

[Arc]

The last one, Captain !! I took a bit time to understand what he wished, but then

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Petey7]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said: 'I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.'

The second woman responded: 'Oh, that's nothing.
I'm thinking of having my butt hole bleached!

'Whoa,' replied the first woman.
'I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!'

 

[Jonathan_King]

Let's just keep the forum rules in mind: http://www.sevenforums.com/general-discussion/8-forum-rules-info-please-read.html

Carry on!

 

[derekimo]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

:roflmao::roflmao:

Derek,

I would ...
Turn and Run!!!!

 

[derekimo]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

:roflmao::roflmao:

Derek,

I would ...
Turn and Run!!!!

Same here! :roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little! ! Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone w a s there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
[FONT=T!]I GOT YOUR MAMA. [/FONT]
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

 

[steve-pressman]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya, MAMA

 

[CarlTR6]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner...

:roflmao: I knew some kids like that...

 

[arkhi]

Luv Ya, MAMA

Although quite very funny, somehow, this joke gave my heart a slight pinch of sadness.

 

[kodi]

What organization do these people belong to? 36 Have been

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
36[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Have been accused of spousal abuse[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
7[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Have been arrested for fraud[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
19[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Have been accused of writing bad cheques[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

117[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

3[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Have done time for assault[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
71,
Repeat
71[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Cannot[/FONT][FONT=&quot]get a credit card due to bad credit[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
14[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Have been arrested on drug-related charges[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
8[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Have been arrested for shoplifting [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

21
Currently
Are[/FONT][FONT=&quot] defendants in lawsuits and[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
84[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Have been arrested for drunk driving
In
The[/FONT][FONT=&quot] last year[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


Can[/FONT][FONT=&quot]you guess which organization this is?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

Give[/FONT][FONT=&quot]up yet? .. . ..[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Scroll down
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]





It's the 535[/FONT][FONT=&quot] members of [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the AUSTRALIAN [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

The[/FONT][FONT=&quot] same [/FONT][FONT=&quot]group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year, designed to keep the rest of us in line.[/FONT]