Jokes Thread 2

[Irene]

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

:roflmao:
.
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[Bugsy]

Simon, a customer, visits PC Shop, the computer store, 'I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics; you know, something really challenging.'

'Well,' replies the shop assistant, 'Have you tried Windows Vista?'

 

[CarlTR6]

Simon, a customer, visits PC Shop, the computer store, 'I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics; you know, something really challenging.'

'Well,' replies the shop assistant, 'Have you tried Windows Vista?'

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Bugsy]

I dont mean to offend any vista user's who might be hiding out there, I mean... I was once a vista user not fan but user

 

[Joan Archer]

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?

 

[Bugsy]

'Known issue' - It's just the solution that is unknown.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Hold down the Numb Lock. Now phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.

Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.

Kennel stack overflow problem. Your new Patch is now available. Call at the vet and collect your dog.

 

[Bugsy]

FILE EXTENSIONS;


.bin = Trash collector
.dic = Private eye
.fav = Boot licker
.gem = Jeweller
.ico = Office pin-up
.mam = Midwife
.mapi = Planning officer
.png = Table Tennis Champion
.pub = Alcoholic
.rat = Spy
.snd = Disk Jockey
.sys = Sister
.tiff = Marriage guidance counsellor
.wav = Cheerleader
.wiz = Magician

 

[Bugsy]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he replied, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[Bugsy]

I'm quite sad really ain't I, I have a list of jokes as long as my arm that i have had for about a year now that i got from work

 

[Bugsy]

While my next door neighbour, Ian, was tapping away on his home computer, his seven year old son, Nathan, sneaked up behind him.
Then Nathan turned and ran downstairs into the kitchen, bellowing to the rest of the family, 'I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!
''What is it?' Mia, his elder sister asked gently but eagerly.
Proudly Nathan shouted, 'It's asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.'

 

[Bugsy]

PRACTICAL JOKES;

Tape over the optical sensor of your friend's mouse.
Variation of this idea. Unplug the original mouse. Plug in a fake mouse. When they check the connection it seems to be working. One from Dr Devious.

Alter someone's Word Autocorrect.
Launch Word for Windows.
Find 'Proofing settings'. Make changes to AutoCorrect, e.g.
a to ye.
I to you.

On someone else's machine press set High Contrast mode
Press: Shift + ALT + PrintScreen.
Note 1: You need Shift and not Ctrl. Also use the Left Alt and not the right.
Note 2: To Undo press the same combination: Shift + ALT + Printscreen.
Note 3: Learn from this madness by checking out the Ease of access settings in Control Panel.

Variation, turn on Narrator and drive the computer user mad. Control Panel --> Ease of access.

You could edit the host file entry to direct google.com to a different site. [You need some technical expertise to edit:
C: \Windows\System32\drivers\etc ]

Naughty naughty!!

 

[BrightBlessings]

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers: "What does it mean to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."

 

[Kari]

A supermarket. 10 AM. A blonde is standing very still in the middle of the aisle, holding a can of orange juice, looking it very intensively, not a muscle moving in her face.

12 PM. She's still there.

4:30 PM. Blonde has not moved, still looking the juice can.

7:55 PM. A clerk walks to the blonde:

-"Excuse me, you have to leave now. We are closing. Anyway, you have been standing there all the day, holding that can. May I ask why?"

-"Are you stupid or what? Read what's written here.", says the blonde and shows the can to the clerk.

CONCENTRATE, reads the clerk, written in big letters on the side of the can...

 

[spinifex]

A supermarket. 10 AM. A blonde is standing very still in the middle of the aisle, holding a can of orange juice, looking it very intensively, not a muscle moving in her face.

12 PM. She's still there.

4:30 PM. Blonde has not moved, still looking the juice can.

7:55 PM. A clerk walks to the blonde:

-"Excuse me, you have to leave now. We are closing. Anyway, you have been standing there all the day, holding that can. May I ask why?"

-"Are you stupid or what? Read what's written here.", says the blonde and shows the can to the clerk.

CONCENTRATE, reads the clerk, written in big letters on the side of the can...

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Tews]

Job Interview

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..

 

[spinifex]

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..

Checking Obituary Column.

F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
Nothing yet
F5
F5
F5

F5
F5
F5
F5
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

[The Howling Wolves]

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..

Checking Obituary Column.

F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
Nothing yet
F5
F5
F5

F5
F5
F5
F5
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

She just woke up and told her I had a BSOD problem with the computer...hehehehe

 

[spinifex]

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..

Checking Obituary Column.

F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
Nothing yet
F5
F5
F5

F5
F5
F5
F5
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

She just woke up and told her I had a BSOD problem with the computer...hehehehe

Best you post a message in the correct forum, so you can show her if need be.

Seee, i told ya honey. The folk at SevenForums are brilliant and fixed it straight away.

 

[Thorsen]

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..

Checking Obituary Column.

F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
Nothing yet
F5
F5
F5

F5
F5
F5
F5
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

:roflmao: