Jokes Thread 2

[Bugsy]

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers: "What does it mean to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."

:roflmao::roflmao: very good!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Job Interview

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

LMAO!

 

[BrightBlessings]

A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.
The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy,
she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.

 

[lorddenis]

A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.
The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy,
she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Bugsy]

George landed his first computer programming position and he was thrilled. His father, Colin, although a stranger to the field, shared George's enthusiasm and welcomed him at the door when he arrived home after his first day, inquiring, 'What did you do at work today?'
He listened intently while George explained in great detail his eight hours of COBOL, binary code and JCL errors.
When George arrived home the following night, once again his father, Colin, was waiting at the front door. 'So,' he greeted George, 'what did you have for lunch today?'

 

[dobhar]

First Grade Drawing - PRICELESS!

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment. The teacher graded it and the child brought it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

 

[gladson1976]

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment. The teacher graded it and the child brought it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

Now that is a new twist to the story :roflmao:

 

[BrightBlessings]

How To Speak Kiwi

FOR BIST EFFICT ? RID THESE OUT LOUD

Milburn - Capital of Victoria
Pissed aside - Chemical to kill insects
Pug - What bacon comes from
Miss Kara - Eye make up
Mere - Mayor
Lift - Departed
Ken's &n bsp; - Cairns
Jumbo - Pet name for Jim
Inner me - Enemy
Fush - Marine creature from the ocean
Ever Cardeau - Avacado
Ear - Mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Amejen - Visualise
Day old chuck - Very young poultry
Bun Button &nbs p; - Been bitten by insect
Chully bin - An esky
Ear Noo Zulland - An extinct airline
Veerjun - Mythical New Zealand virgin
Brudge - Structure spanning a river
Tin - One more than nine
Earplane - A large flying machine
Sivven Sucks Sivven - A Boeing Aircraft
Pits - Domestic animals
Munce - Usually served on toast
Peck - To put clothes in a suitcase
Pigs - For hanging out the washing
Nin tin dough - A computer game
Min - Male of the species
McKennonk - Person who repairs cars
Leather&nbs p; - Foam produced from soap
Kiri Pecker - Well known businessman
Kittle Crusps - Potato chips.
Jungle Bills - A Christmas carol
Guess - A vapour
Fitter Cheney - Type of pasta
Fear Hear - Blonde
Duffy Cult - Not easy
Ear Roebucks - Exercise at the gym
Bug Hut - Very popular recording
Beard - A thing you sleep in
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Beers - A large animal in US forests
One doze - Common computed programme
Sex - One less than seven
Leggs Ecktly - Precisely
Cuds & nbsp; - Children
Sivven For Sevven - Larger Boeing
Cuttin - Small cat
Beggage Chucken - A place to leave your luggage at the airport.

 

[xarden]

Lol. You forgot Fush and chups and sorse.
Oh... no sorry, thats in the 'How to speak Orstrarleein' post.

 

[spinifex]

Don't forget words like:

Chilly bin
Dairy
Jandels
Jutter bars, etc.

In case anyone has not had dealings with Kiwi's, this will enlighten you.

 

[kronckew]

Job Interview

While being interviewed for a job While interviewing them for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often of ten, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

i give it a nine out of ten :sarc: i think i understood what you thought you said; i speak a bit of blonde since one of my wives was so afflicted... and Millie is a proper Irish lassie, having been born and raced professionally in dublin, so i also understand a bit of celtic, tho she does have a slight speech impediment. the personnel manager was not really being interviewed, and the brothers were not often getting out for 9 holes of golf.

 

[nithig]

I muss chocolate fush
and the bist milkshakes in the wurld
an if New Zild had mineral wealth I woodn'd have lift.

 

[xarden]

Don't forget words like:

Chilly bin
Dairy
Jandels
Jutter bars, etc.

In case anyone has not had dealings with Kiwi's, this will enlighten you.

Chully bun.
shop
flip flops
speed bomps.

Oh gah... I actually some of these beached as bro t-shirt's. They were far beached as on a rack bro, in the 'fashionable' teen's shop at the mall. I was passing by. I was beached as and wanted a chup.

 

[spinifex]

xarden, I work in mining and hence work alongside lots of your Bro's from the north island and the mainland.
Never a dull moment, lol.

 

[nithig]

I work in mining

Spinifex, you must work in the West Island.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

POINTS TO PONDER








If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

[spinifex]

I work in mining

Spinifex, you must work in the West Island.

You definitely would be a k one w one, lol.

Oh, and yes, i work in the west island. (mutter, mutter, mutter)

 

[bjrichus]

George landed his first computer programming position and he was thrilled. His father, Colin, although a stranger to the field, shared George's enthusiasm and welcomed him at the door when he arrived home after his first day, inquiring, 'What did you do at work today?'
He listened intently while George explained in great detail his eight hours of COBOL, binary code and JCL errors.
When George arrived home the following night, once again his father, Colin, was waiting at the front door. 'So,' he greeted George, 'what did you have for lunch today?'

When I were a lad... 1972-ish... the operating system on the first computer I used was called "George".

Funny thing is, I was using COBOL and JCL too....

 

[Dwarf]

When I were a lad... 1972-ish... the operating system on the first computer I used was called "George".

He then upgraded to Bungle and Zippy!

 

[nithig]

For the Aussies and Kiwis.

Why do NZ famers call a sheep 'mate'?






Kumate, kumate ...