Jokes Thread 2

[The Howling Wolves]

Jails and Nursing Homes

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.


As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"

 

[CarlTR6]

Jails and Nursing Homes

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.


As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"

I love it!

 

[profdlp]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

At least I would have something to look forward to in my old age...

 

[xarden]

Too right, they have it better off than I do.

So now I'm thinking... :huh:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

xarden,

Stop thinking...I worked in a prison for over 12 years and you don't want any part of it.
Now if they make a prison for senior citizens then I'll be the first to welcome you.
It costs $35-40K a year to house one inmate in California..No wonder we are going broke!

 

[xarden]

Yea, it was a joke...
But I'm still in favour of the chain gang, send only the good ones out to fix the highway and possibly reduce the sentence, and put taxpayers moolah into something beneficial.
But thats for another thread.

Here's another joke: Why'd the chicken cross the road?

 

[profdlp]

...Here's another joke: Why'd the chicken cross the road?

Any number of reasons, I suppose:

Why'd the Chicken?

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

It all began with an iPhone

​

​

March was when my son celebrated his birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started.......

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by Saturday...

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Ninety-eight and no enemies - a human interest story.

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!



Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

Eighty percent held up their hands.



The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time,

except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes,

who attended church only when the weather was bad.



"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today.

Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.



"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.



"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all

how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"



The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around,

faced the congregation, and said simply,



"I outlived all the sons-of-bitches!"

 

[beauparc]

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy takes a place next to the old-timer, buys him a drink and tells him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asks.

The old man looks him up and down and says, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. And tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."


''Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asks the young man.

"Sure will," replies the old-timer.

The young man does as he is told, stands up, whips out his 44 and shoots the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" says the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"


"Yep, " says the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asks the younger man.

"You bet it will," says the old-timer.

The young man takes out his knife, cuts the notch, stands up, draws his gun in a blur, and then shoots a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaims the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"


The old man points to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."


The young man goes over to the can and smears some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," says the old-timer. "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asks the young man.

"No," says the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

 

[pebbly]

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.



He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.



He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

Pebbly,
Once again you win the ... AWARD

 

[Dwarf]

Was she talking from experience?

Anyhow, I thought that that award was hers already. She's certainly earned it!

 

[pebbly]

To please all you lads , a clean joke


Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said he could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same aircraft as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"



Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[Kari]

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her
in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely garden. She seems OK,
but after a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her up. Again, she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to
the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back
upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how
the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So, ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" the son asks.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

[mickey megabyte]

a very a-moose-ing story, pebbly.

 

[Dwarf]

I see Kathryn's back to posting her usual style of jokes. I was quite worried with the one before last. A bit clean I thought, but her latest one, although not as risqué as some of her previous ones, is definitely heading back in the right direction.

 

[pebbly]

Specially for Dwarf





You Are My First


[SIZE=+1]
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally
gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his
honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the
CRATE!"

[/SIZE]

 

[DocBrown]

Bridge Jumper

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

She does. A long, deep, passionate kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"




:ar:





:ar:




:ar:




:ar:




"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......