Jokes Thread 2

[Phone Man]

Jim

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Mike I never was very good with math.. :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Hopalong X]

Well he is older than Moses so....... add at least one more year to Dennis's age.

It is odd one of them ended up at the Promised Land and the other in Disney Land. :roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Can I just include one massive groan to cover the last page of jokes? :roflmao:

Prof hi.. NO groans allowed.. lol..
feel free to laugh out loud however.. if the neighbors knock on your door tell them you've been reading a joke book.
:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Can I just include one massive groan to cover the last page of jokes? :roflmao:

Prof hi.. NO groans allowed.. lol..
feel free to laugh out loud however.. if the neighbors knock on your door tell them you've been reading a joke book.
:roflmao::roflmao:

LPt,
I like it when Prof groans. Makes me all excited.
Mike is always snoring. Time to put a pillow over his head.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Modernizing the Church
The elderly priest speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.

''The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''

''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''

''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''

''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''

''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

 

[Hopalong X]

Bad joke of the day!

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.


The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


(wait for it)





she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)

 

[Hopalong X]

Bad Joke of the Day II

Ah! The Swedes and Norwegians are fine Mechanical Engineers....

Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"

Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.


The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


(wait for it)





she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)

Not going to send this on...........Going to return it to sender!!

 

[Borg 386]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

[omi08]

Email to wife (wrong recipient)
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

 

[dreamer]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

:roflmao: nice one

 

[shelbourne104]

Email to wife (wrong recipient)
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

good one...

 

[The Howling Wolves]

5 OLD LADIES



Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than

the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."

 

[seavixen32]

Two British men in Hamburg were approached by Swiss tourist who asked in German whether they knew the way to the railway station.

When they intimated with a shrug of the shoulders that they couldn't understand the language the Swiss tourist repeated the request in French, and then Spanish and Italian before turning on his heels and walking away in disgust that his request for information had failed miserably.

At that, one of the British men turned to his colleague and said; "You know, we really should make the effort to learn another language."

"What for?" replied his friend; "He knew four languages and look where that got him!"

 

[buffylinden]

Sign in an auto repair shop:

We have three kinds of service: Quick, Good and Cheap

If it's quick & cheap, it can't be good.
If it's good & cheap, it can't be quick.
If it's good & quick, it can't be cheap.

 

[wilywombat]

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

 

[panais]

5 OLD LADIES



Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than

the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."

Fast!

 

[panais]

Bloke goes to the doctors with a rash on his testicles
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says

:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

THE ITALIAN MAN OF THE HOUSE

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled,

'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After wards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The fin' funeral director would be my first guess.'