Jokes Thread 2

[DocBrown]

Irish

Irish Alzheimers


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

:ar:

:ar:

:ar:



Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[Joan Archer]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8)You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

 

[CarlTR6]

A whole of of truth in those, Joan.

 

[MattRainier]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

"After you stop believing in Santa Claus, your whole life goes downhill."

 

[profdlp]

"After you stop believing in Santa Claus, your whole life goes downhill."

Why would anyone stop believing in Santa Claus? :huh:

 

[BrightBlessings]

 

[lorddenis]

View attachment 107486

:roflmao:

 

[EternalRZ]

A Bear and a Rabbit are walking through the woods.

The Bear asks the Rabbit "You ever have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"

The Rabbit says "nope."

They walk a little farther and the Bear says "You sure you don't have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"

The Rabbit says "no."

The Bear says "Great!", grabs the Rabbit and wipes his rear with him.

HAHA, thats gross but funny

"My wife hops on her menstrual cycle and runs my ass over..."

 

[CarlTR6]

View attachment 107486

:roflmao: :roflmao:

 

[Kirsch]

My wife is a famous porn star......


But she would be pissed if she ever found out!

 

[lorddenis]

My wife is a famous porn star......


But she would be pissed if she ever found out!

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[EternalRZ]

So a farmer is driving his truck down an old dusty road when a cop pulls him over and says "Excuse me sir, but your wife fell out of your truck about a quarter mile back!" The farmer looks at the cop and says "REALLY?! Oh thank god, I thought I had gone deaf!"

When a man falls overboard, you say "Man overboard!"
When his wife falls overboard, you say "FULL SPEED AHEAD!"

Yeah...thats the best I have in my arsenal...

 

[Joan Archer]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial
Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the
editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


*******************************************
And the winner is....



Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Did I read that right?
***************************************************

 

[spinifex]

Excellent Joan.

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

Hilarious, Joan; I'm still laughing!

 

[gladson1976]

I think they shouldn't proof read them too well.
Its things like these that makes newspapers interesting.

 

[amigo max]

A blonde walking by a road,

Sees a board saying "50% of blondes are dumb!"

She is filled with anger, she thinks,

And thinks,

And thinks,

And thinks,

And thinks,.....

At last she edits the board saying, "50% of blondes are dumb!"

to "50% of blondes are >Not< dumb!".

 

[beauparc]

A man went to a urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his 'old fella' sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

 

[Fluffy]

Love it :roflmao:

 

[BrightBlessings]

Not many people know of this interesting fact!

In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..