Jokes Thread 2

[CarlTR6]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend...

[/QUOTE]

That is hilarious!!!

 

[CarlTR6]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? ..."

Another hilarious one. Very good.

 

[Grimmy]

Two parrots sat on a perch...
One says "Can you smell fish?"

 

[Fluffy]

Two parrots sat on a perch...
One says "Can you smell fish?"

 

[Hopalong X]

My New ATV

After all these years, I'm finally getting tired of those useless Christmas gifts that always show up.

So I decided to get out early and get something I've always wanted.

I Went out and bought myself one of those all-terrain 4-wheel things.

Wife wasn't too excited about it, but now that she's seen all the fun I've had with it, she agrees it was a good move.

I've enclosed a picture of my friend, (I’m taking the picture) playing with it out in the country.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

After all these years, I'm finally getting tired of those useless Christmas gifts that always show up.

So I decided to get out early and get something I've always wanted.

I Went out and bought myself one of those all-terrain 4-wheel things.

Wife wasn't too excited about it, but now that she's seen all the fun I've had with it, she agrees it was a good move.

I've enclosed a picture of my friend, (I’m taking the picture) playing with it out in the country.

Mike,
Hope you will obey all traffic signs and don't get any tickets for speeding.
I don't want you sitting next to me in Dumb Dumb Driver's School.

 

[Hopalong X]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.


Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

 

[Hopalong X]

Mike,
Hope you will obey all traffic signs and don't get any tickets for speeding.
I don't want you sitting next to me in Dumb Dumb Driver's School.

Hey your the one taking the pic. Must be Poobah driving.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Mike,
While you were taking the picture I was behind you taking this photo.
This is the real all terrain 4 wheeler that you are capable of driving...........on sidewalks!
View attachment 122401

Sorry Mike,
Couldn't find a safety helmet to go over your Cowboy hat....

 

[BrightBlessings]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation,
Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."






An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"

'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's an entirely inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.'

 

[Borg 386]

Happy Holidays

 

[Tews]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

[Kari]

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

:roflmao:

At least you shouldn't tell this joke to a blonde on Tuesday. If you do, she starts laughing just when you start watching Monday Night Football, disturbing the sport experience...

 

[A Guy]

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

A Guy

 

[Impulse Fire911]

A man walks into a bar
his alcoholic problem is tearing apart his family

 

[lorddenis]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Joke for today !!!

A man and a women were having dinner in a fine
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each
other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a
few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly
sliding down his chair and under the table, but
the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way
down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware her dining companion had
disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to
the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your
husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No,
he didn't. He just walked in."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A man walks into a bar
his alcoholic problem is tearing apart his family

:busted:

 

[CarlTR6]

Joke for today !!!

:roflmao:

 

[Grimmy]

Two blokes sitting in a pub
They take out their sandwiches and begin to eat
The bar-man shouts "HEY! you can't eat your own sandwiches in here"

So they swapped........