Jokes Thread 2

Status
Not open for further replies.
Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other.

Do you smell carrots???
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Acer Aspire x33000
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
AMD Athlon x2
Motherboard
Acer wmcp78m
Memory
3g Ram and 10g Virtual
Graphics Card(s)
Nivida Gforce 9
Screen Resolution
1920 x 1080
Two fish were in a tank.
One says to the other, 'you take the gun and I'll drive'
 

My Computer

OS
Windows 7 Enterprise
CPU
Intel Pentium Dual E2200 @2.2GHz
Motherboard
Gigabyte II-G31
Memory
4GB
Graphics Card(s)
Palit GForce 9500GT 1GB
Sound Card
onBoard
Hard Drives
WesternDigital: 250GB + 1TB + 1TB + 2TB
PSU
450W
Case
CoolerMaster CM690
Cooling
Corsair H50
Mouse
Logitech MX518
Holidays in the tech age....
 
Last edited:

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dell Hell oh Well
OS
Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
CPU
Intel Core 2 Duo 2.93GHz
Memory
Not much with my ADHD
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Radeon HD 4350
Monitor(s) Displays
24" HDTV/Monitor
Screen Resolution
Blurry after a Scotch or 2
Hard Drives
1 HDD 250 GB, 1 HDD 1 TB, 3 - 1 TB Externals
Case
Don't get on my case...man :D
Cooling
I have an Air Conditioner & Diet Pepsi
Keyboard
Saitek Cyborg
Mouse
10 yr old MS optical mouse that still works
Internet Speed
Never fast enough
Antivirus
Various
Browser
Various

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Acer Aspire 5532
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit SP1
CPU
AMD Athlon 64 processor TF-20 1.6 GHz. 1 Core
Motherboard
MB.PGY02.001/MBPGY02001
Memory
3 GB (2.75 available)
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Radion HD 3200
Sound Card
Realtek High Definition Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
Generic PnP 15.6"
Screen Resolution
1366 x 768
Hard Drives
250 GB HDD (220 available)
PSU
?
Case
?
Cooling
Single cycling fan, on cooling stand
Keyboard
PNP Device ID ACPI\PNP0303\4&12734F14&0
Mouse
Microsoft Laser 7000
Internet Speed
Ultra high speed download 2500 kb/s upload 720 kb/s
Other Info
Norton Internet Security 2011
Sorry but this is the best I could do.
I used the tutorial for finding the missing info but still could not find it. Special Thanks to PooMan UK and DocBrown for their help in filling out these specs.
What dinosaur kept the other dinosaur's up at night. The snorasaurous.
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Acer Aspire 5532
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit SP1
CPU
AMD Athlon 64 processor TF-20 1.6 GHz. 1 Core
Motherboard
MB.PGY02.001/MBPGY02001
Memory
3 GB (2.75 available)
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Radion HD 3200
Sound Card
Realtek High Definition Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
Generic PnP 15.6"
Screen Resolution
1366 x 768
Hard Drives
250 GB HDD (220 available)
PSU
?
Case
?
Cooling
Single cycling fan, on cooling stand
Keyboard
PNP Device ID ACPI\PNP0303\4&12734F14&0
Mouse
Microsoft Laser 7000
Internet Speed
Ultra high speed download 2500 kb/s upload 720 kb/s
Other Info
Norton Internet Security 2011
Sorry but this is the best I could do.
I used the tutorial for finding the missing info but still could not find it. Special Thanks to PooMan UK and DocBrown for their help in filling out these specs.
What is this?

Clip, clop Clip clop Clip clop

BANG! BANG!

Clip, clop Clip clop Clip clop


An Amish drive by...

:o

A Guy
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
OS
Windows 10 Home x64
CPU
INTEL Core i5-750 Quad-Core 3.37GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P7P55D
Memory
HyperX Fury Black Series 8GB (2 x 4GB) 1866Mhz
Graphics Card(s)
EVGA GeForce GTX 750 Superclocked 1GB 128-Bit GDDR5
Monitor(s) Displays
LG 32MA68HY 32" IPS
Screen Resolution
1920 x 1080
Hard Drives
Samsung 840 Evo 120GB, SEAGATE 500GB Barracuda® 7200.12, SATA 3 Gb/s, 7200 RPM, 16MB cache
PSU
ANTEC TruePower New TP-550, 80 PLUS, 550W
Case
ANTEC Three Hundred Illusion
Cooling
COOLER MASTER Hyper 212 Plus, 4 x 120mm 1 x 140mm Noctua's
Internet Speed
85 + Mbps
Antivirus
Avast
Browser
Vivaldi

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.​


Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.​
 

My Computer

OS
Windows 7 Pro x64
I have heard these are pretty good. You may have the recipe already...Enjoy!

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

INGREDIENTS

1 cup water
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 (750 ml) bottle tequila, Jose Cuervo

Directions

1. Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

2. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality.

3. Pour one level cup and drink.

4. Turn on the electric mixer.

5. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

6. Add one peastoon of sugar

7. Beat again.

8. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still okay, try another cup just in case.

9. Turn off the mixerer thingy.

10. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

11. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

12. Mix on the turner.

13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose wit a drewscriver.

14. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

15. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.

16. Two greeves cooky sheet thingies.

17. Check the Jose Cuervo.

18. Add one table.

19. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.

20. Whatever you can find.

21. Greash the oven.

22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

23. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

24. Finally, eat the cooky dowgh, empty the Hose Quervo. Make sure to put the bodtle in the stuve with the wishdasher.

25. Cherry Mistmas !

P.S.
I happened to be fresh out of Jose Cuervo, so I substituted Jack Daniels - - - worked just fine!!!!!
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Hopalong/ Godzilla
OS
Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
CPU
Intel Core i7-870 Lynnfield 2.93GHz LGA 1156 95W Quad-Core
Motherboard
ASUS P7P55D-E PRO
Memory
8GB@1400MHz Crucial Ballistix DDR3-1600 4x2GB
Graphics Card(s)
ASUS ENGTX460 DirectCU/2DI/1GD5 1GB 256-bit GDDR5
Sound Card
VIA Onboard
Monitor(s) Displays
Asus VS248H-P 24"; Samsung SyncMaster 941BW 19"ws
Screen Resolution
1920x1080; 1440x900
Hard Drives
Samsung 830 120GB SSD
Intel 320 120GB SSD
Western Digital Caviar Black WD7501AALS 750GB 7200 RPM SATA 3.0Gb/s
Western Digital Caviar Black WD6401AALS 640GB 7200 RPM SATA 3.0Gb/s
PSU
COOLER MASTER Silent Pro RS850-AMBAJ3-US 850W Modular
Case
COOLER MASTER HAF 932 RC-932-KKN5-GP Black
Cooling
Scythe "Mugen-2 Rev.B" (2 ScytheKaze-Jyuni PWM fans)
Keyboard
Logitech K-320
Mouse
Kensington
Antivirus
Avast Inernet Suite
Browser
IE 9 ; Chrome

My Computer

OS
Windows 7 Enterprise
CPU
Intel Pentium Dual E2200 @2.2GHz
Motherboard
Gigabyte II-G31
Memory
4GB
Graphics Card(s)
Palit GForce 9500GT 1GB
Sound Card
onBoard
Hard Drives
WesternDigital: 250GB + 1TB + 1TB + 2TB
PSU
450W
Case
CoolerMaster CM690
Cooling
Corsair H50
Mouse
Logitech MX518

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Self
OS
Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
CPU
Main - Core i7 2600K; 2nd - Core i7 920
Motherboard
Main - Asus P8Z68-V Pro/Gen3; 2nd - Gigabyte GA-EX58-UDR3
Memory
Main - 16GB Corsair Vengeance; 2nd - 12GB Corsair Vengeance
Graphics Card(s)
Main - XFX Radeon 6870 1GB; 2nd - XFX Radeon 4870 1GB
Sound Card
Both: Onboard Realtek Azalia
Monitor(s) Displays
Main - Hann 25" + I-INC 25" + Acer 23"; 2nd - Upgrading Soon
Screen Resolution
Main - 1920x1080 (All Three Monitors); 2nd - Upgrading Soon
Hard Drives
Main - (1) Crucial M4 128GB (Boot)
Main - (1) Seagate 2TB 64MB Cache (Data)
Main - (1) Seagate 2TB 64MB Cache (Data Backup)
2nd - (1) Intel X25-M SSD 80GB (Boot)
2nd - (3) Seagate 1TB 32MB Cache (Data Backup)
2nd - (1) Seagate 320GB (Because)
PSU
Main - OCZ 600W Modular; 2nd - OCZ 600W
Case
Main - Thermaltake Element G; 2nd - NZXT something or other
Cooling
Main - Corsair H80; 2nd - Prolimatech Megahalems
Keyboard
Main - Razer Reclusa; 2nd - Old MS Keyboard
Mouse
Main - Logitech MX Revolution; 2nd - Old MS Mouse
Internet Speed
20Mbps Time-Warner Cable
Last edited:

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Gateway 17.3" LCD Intel Dual-Core, 8GB RAM 1TB HDD Windows 8 Laptop
OS
Windows 8 - 64-bit
CPU
2.2GHz Intel Pentium dual-core B960 processor with 2MB L3 ca
Memory
8GB DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
Intel HD Graphics with 128MB of dedicated system memory
Monitor(s) Displays
17.3" Ultrabright HD widescreen LED-backlit LCD
Screen Resolution
1280 X 1024
Hard Drives
1TB hard drive-1000 GB HDD
DVD-Super Multi DL drive
PSU
Intel B960 processor
Case
XXXXX
Cooling
XXXXX
Keyboard
Multi Gesture Touchpad
Mouse
USB - portable mouse... I added this
Antivirus
Avast
Browser
I E 10
Other Info
I see nothing about Motherboard info.
I'm not sure about Sound Card
Ports :(3) USB 2.0, (1) HDMI, (1) VGA, (1) Headphone out, (1) Microphone in, (1) Ethernet LAN

•Fast Wi-Fi wireless and wired Gigabit Ethernet networking
•HDMI output
•Kensington lock slot
I have no idea what all this actually means
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the f-ing ship?"

A Guy
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
OS
Windows 10 Home x64
CPU
INTEL Core i5-750 Quad-Core 3.37GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P7P55D
Memory
HyperX Fury Black Series 8GB (2 x 4GB) 1866Mhz
Graphics Card(s)
EVGA GeForce GTX 750 Superclocked 1GB 128-Bit GDDR5
Monitor(s) Displays
LG 32MA68HY 32" IPS
Screen Resolution
1920 x 1080
Hard Drives
Samsung 840 Evo 120GB, SEAGATE 500GB Barracuda® 7200.12, SATA 3 Gb/s, 7200 RPM, 16MB cache
PSU
ANTEC TruePower New TP-550, 80 PLUS, 550W
Case
ANTEC Three Hundred Illusion
Cooling
COOLER MASTER Hyper 212 Plus, 4 x 120mm 1 x 140mm Noctua's
Internet Speed
85 + Mbps
Antivirus
Avast
Browser
Vivaldi
Top Ten Bumper Stickers for the Starship Enterprise

Top Ten Bumper Stickers for the Starship Enterprise

  1. Our other starship separates into THREE pieces!
  2. One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.
  3. HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!
  4. Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phaser rifles do.
  5. Zero to warp 9.7 in 3 seconds!
  6. CAUTION! We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!
  7. If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?
  8. Have you hugged a Ferengi Today?
  9. Wesley on board!
  10. We break for cubes.
Courtesy: Top Ten Bumper Stickers for the Starship Enterprise
 

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP EliteBook 8530w Mobile Workstation
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
CPU
Intel Core 2 Duo Processor P8600 (2.40 GHz, 3 MB L2 cache)
Motherboard
Mobile Intel PM45 Express Chipset ICH9M-Enhanced
Memory
4GB 800 MHz DDR2 SDRAM
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Mobility FireGL V5700 with 256 MB
Sound Card
SoundMAX Integrated Digital HD Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
15.4-inch WXGA anti-glare (1280 x 800 resolution)
Screen Resolution
1280 x 800
Hard Drives
500GB + 1TB
Mouse
Synaptics PS/2 Port Touchpad, USB Mouse
Internet Speed
4 Mbps
Antivirus
MSE
Browser
Firefox, Chrome, IE
Other Info
Authentec AES2810 Fingerprint Reader
Hehe loving it.
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Me
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium x64
CPU
AMD Bulldozer FX-8 8120 Black Edition @ 4GHz
Motherboard
Asus Crosshair V Formula 990FX
Memory
Corsair Vengeance 16GB DDR3 PC3-12800C9 1600MHz
Graphics Card(s)
MSI nVidia Geforce GTX 670 OC 2048MB GDDR5
Sound Card
Sound Blaster X-Fi 2 MB 2
Monitor(s) Displays
Samsung SyncMaster SA350 22" LED HDMI
Screen Resolution
1920x1080
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda SATA II 500GB 16MB Cache 7200.12
PSU
Corsair Professional Series Gold AX1200 (1200Watts)
Case
Antec 1200 Ultimate Gaming Case
Cooling
Antec Kuhler H20 620
Keyboard
Logitech G510
Mouse
Microsoft Wireless 3000
Internet Speed
Upto 40Mb/s Fibre Optic Broadband
My brain had a Registry Error.

I ran SFC/ scannow.

The report said it found nothing! :(

My doctor said the CT Scan found the same thing! :sarc:
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Hopalong/ Godzilla
OS
Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
CPU
Intel Core i7-870 Lynnfield 2.93GHz LGA 1156 95W Quad-Core
Motherboard
ASUS P7P55D-E PRO
Memory
8GB@1400MHz Crucial Ballistix DDR3-1600 4x2GB
Graphics Card(s)
ASUS ENGTX460 DirectCU/2DI/1GD5 1GB 256-bit GDDR5
Sound Card
VIA Onboard
Monitor(s) Displays
Asus VS248H-P 24"; Samsung SyncMaster 941BW 19"ws
Screen Resolution
1920x1080; 1440x900
Hard Drives
Samsung 830 120GB SSD
Intel 320 120GB SSD
Western Digital Caviar Black WD7501AALS 750GB 7200 RPM SATA 3.0Gb/s
Western Digital Caviar Black WD6401AALS 640GB 7200 RPM SATA 3.0Gb/s
PSU
COOLER MASTER Silent Pro RS850-AMBAJ3-US 850W Modular
Case
COOLER MASTER HAF 932 RC-932-KKN5-GP Black
Cooling
Scythe "Mugen-2 Rev.B" (2 ScytheKaze-Jyuni PWM fans)
Keyboard
Logitech K-320
Mouse
Kensington
Antivirus
Avast Inernet Suite
Browser
IE 9 ; Chrome
I can relate! :roflmao:
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home built
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
CPU
Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 3.00GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P4P800-VM Motherboard Chipset: Intel 865G + ICH5
Memory
2.50 GB RAM
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce 7600 GS
Sound Card
SoundMax Integrated Digital Audio (Chip)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VX 1962 wm
Screen Resolution
1680 X 1050
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda 7200.10 80 GB
ST380215A ATA Device 18.6 GB
Western Digital "My Book" external hard drive 750 GB
Cooling
Fan based
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000 v10 USB
Mouse
Logitec optic USB
Internet Speed
3.01 Mb/s download 0.64 Mb/s upload
My brain had a Registry Error.

I ran SFC/ scannow.

The report said it found nothing! :(

My doctor said the CT Scan found the same thing! :sarc:

Mike,
Having the doctor saying he found nothing in the CT Scan was a given.
We all could have told you that, even Topper, before you spent the money!;)
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP M9077c
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
Intel(R)Core(TM)2 quad [email protected] 2.39GHz
Motherboard
ASUSeK
Memory
6GB DDR2 6400
Graphics Card(s)
GeForce 8500/512MB
Sound Card
Realtek High Def Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
HP w2408 LCD 24" widescreen
Screen Resolution
1920x1200
Cooling
6 pack of Bud
Keyboard
MS wireless Inteli
Mouse
MS wireless Inteli
Top Ten Bumper Stickers for the Starship Enterprise

  1. Our other starship separates into THREE pieces!
  2. One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.
  3. HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!
  4. Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phaser rifles do.
  5. Zero to warp 9.7 in 3 seconds!
  6. CAUTION! We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!
  7. If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?
  8. Have you hugged a Ferengi Today?
  9. Wesley on board!
  10. We break for cubes.
Courtesy: Top Ten Bumper Stickers for the Starship Enterprise

Fantastic from a person that visits Risa a lot! :)
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dell OP7010
OS
Windows 7 Enterprise (x64); Windows Server 2008 R2 (x64)
Memory
16GB
Monitor(s) Displays
4 Dell 24" LCD
Screen Resolution
1280x1024
Keyboard
Dell
Mouse
Dell Optical
Internet Speed
40meg
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP M9077c
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
Intel(R)Core(TM)2 quad [email protected] 2.39GHz
Motherboard
ASUSeK
Memory
6GB DDR2 6400
Graphics Card(s)
GeForce 8500/512MB
Sound Card
Realtek High Def Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
HP w2408 LCD 24" widescreen
Screen Resolution
1920x1200
Cooling
6 pack of Bud
Keyboard
MS wireless Inteli
Mouse
MS wireless Inteli

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP ENVY 17-1150eg
OS
Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
CPU
1.6 GHz Intel Core i7-720QM Processor
Memory
6 GB
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Mobility Radeon HD 5850 Graphics
Sound Card
Beats sound system with integrated subwoofer
Monitor(s) Displays
17" laptop display, 22" LED and 32" Full HD TV through HDMI
Screen Resolution
1600*900 (1), 1920*1080 (2&3)
Hard Drives
Internal: 2 x 500 GB SATA Hard Disk Drive 7200 rpm
External: 2TB for backups, 3TB USB3 network drive for media
Cooling
As Envy runs a bit warm, I have it on a Cooler Master pad
Keyboard
Logitech diNovo Media Desktop Laser (bluetooth)
Mouse
Logitech Performance Mouse MX
Internet Speed
50/10 Mbps VDSL
Antivirus
Windows Defender 4.3.9431.0
Browser
Maxthon 3.5.2., IE11
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top