Jokes Thread 2

[A Guy]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

A Guy

 

[Graemzy]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar Birkenhead.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.


After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen20in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

THE STIMULUS BILL:

-Stimulus
It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and
streets are deserted.
Times are tough; everybody is in debt and living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel,
and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms
upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his
supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the
local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the
traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that
the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything.
No one earned anything...
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future
with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works

 

[jfar]

Doug was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he
decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my
father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became
his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

[lorddenis]

View attachment 125012


Doug was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he
decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my
father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became
his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::haha:

 

[Impulse Fire911]

there once was an ugly barnacle, he was so ugly that everyone died, the end

 

[gladson1976]

THE STIMULUS BILL:

-Stimulus
It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and
streets are deserted.
Times are tough; everybody is in debt and living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel,
and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms
upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his
supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the
local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the
traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that
the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything.
No one earned anything...
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future
with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works

Nice

 

[pebbly]

Link not working Jim

 

[pebbly]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight in the plane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Pebbly the authorities may come looking for you later today... lol..

 

[The Howling Wolves]

LPt.
Their looking for her now..............
View attachment 125246

Which way did she go?

 

[pebbly]

I'm in hiding :roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Pebbly,
I will find you.................
View attachment 125256

Come out with your hands up!
View attachment 125255

 

[alfred01]

View attachment 125012


Doug was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he
decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my
father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became
his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[alfred01]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight in the plane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[alfred01]

Well I certainly can't top those one's, this one is dumb but:
A guy walks into his Doctor's office with a frog on his head, the Doctor says "What can I do for you?" and the frog says "Can you get this wart off my butt?"

 

[fishnbanjo]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson for Christmas. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''

He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''

He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Stink Bait is $3.50"

 

[jfar]

If this is too dirty for anybody, I advise you not to read it, you've been warned.


An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for dahour, sister?" he asks.

"£100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you £200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you £300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you £400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay £1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours,they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government"

 

[pebbly]

:roflmao: Good one jfar

 

[lorddenis]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight in the plane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: