Jokes Thread 2

[BugMeister]

Heather Mills' mum and dad have bought her a new leg for Christmas..

..it's not her main present, it's just a stocking-filler..


:huh:

 

[profdlp]

Heather Mills' mum and dad have bought her a new leg for Christmas..

..it's not her main present, it's just a stocking-filler..


:huh:

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Heather Mills' mum and dad have bought her a new leg for Christmas..

..it's not her main present, it's just a stocking-filler..


:huh:

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

She probably didn't have a leg to stand on!

 

[Hopalong X]

Well I certainly can't top those one's, this one is dumb but:
A guy walks into his Doctor's office with a frog on his head, the Doctor says "What can I do for you?" and the frog says "Can you get this wart off my butt?"

That was funny because it was unexpected.

Mike

 

[Imperfect1]

groan. . .

 

[jfar]

Heather Mills' mum and dad have bought her a new leg for Christmas..

..it's not her main present, it's just a stocking-filler..


:huh:

A few years ago Paul McCartney bought her a plane for christmas,


And Immac for the other leg.:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

 

[lorddenis]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

You just cant hide your true colors:roflmao:

 

[jfar]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Ouch.

 

[johnwillyums]

A mother is making her son's bed one night when she finds a crumpled note under the pillow.
It's addressed to Father Christmas.
She thinks "Aw,that's really sweet" and opens the note:

Dear Father Christmas,

I know I said I wanted a bike but I've changed my mind
What I really want is clothes for all those poor children on Daddy's computer that don't have any.
Thanks, Richard.

:shock:

 

[lorddenis]

A mother is making her son's bed one night when she finds a crumpled note under the pillow.
It's addressed to Father Christmas.
She thinks "Aw,that's really sweet" and opens the note:

Dear Father Christmas,

I know I said I wanted a bike but I've changed my mind
What I really want is clothes for all those poor children on Daddy's computer that don't have any.
Thanks, Richard.

:shock:

:shock::shock:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

LMAO!

 

[pebbly]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth" say the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.

"Nithe teeth......can I thee her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is gettin a little fed up, but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears.

"Nithe eerth" he says. "Now.......can I thee her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head into the horse's vagina.

He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says "Maybe I thould weefwaze that..........Can I thee her wun awound?

 

[Hopalong X]

Dearest Pebbly!

 

[pebbly]

The Wisdom of jfar

• Don't squat with your spurs on.

• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

• There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

 

[Frank1]

brave man

A guy and his wife walks into the dentist's office. He walks up to the receptionist and says, "Tell the dentist that I'm in a big hurry as I have to pick up a couple of friends in 30 minutes to play golf. So I want him to forget about using a shot to kill the pain as I don't have the time, so just pull the tooth and be done with it so I can get to my golf game." The receptionist thought that this must be a brave man to have a tooth pulled with out a pain killer. So she said, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth,honey, and show her what tooth hurts."

 

[Hopalong X]

Your spouse complains about a large painting on your living room wall which is hanging crooked. Do you:

1-Move the painting so the top-edge is flush with the ceiling, ensuring it's level.
2-Bust out your toolbox, complete with laser-level, chalk-line, square, plumb-bob, and pneumatic brad-nailer, and form a committee
3-on the best approach to fixing it.
4-State that the deviance from level is well within desired parameters.
5-Tilt all other wall-hangings and furniture to match the pitch.
6-Tell him/her to go get you another beer.


Which episode of Star Wars is the best?
1-Empire Strikes Back
2-A New Hope
3-Phantom Menace
4-A Very Ewok Christmas
5-Spock's Brain

http://www.bbspot.com/News/2003/01/os_quiz.php

 

[Hopalong X]

The Wisdom of jfar

• Don't squat with your spurs on.

• There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I warned him but he wouldn't listen.

He did both at the same time!:roflmao:

 

[Kari]

Your spouse complains about a large painting on your living room wall which is hanging crooked. Do you:
...

BBspot - Which OS Are You?

 

[CarlTR6]

View attachment 125012
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my
father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became
his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Smart lady!!