Jokes Thread 2

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Prof ...I just knew if you saw that.. you'd keep it .. so much fun in that one post.. lol.

 

[CarlTR6]

M'Lady there is a whole of truth in those!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I need a Raise :


Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companiesafter me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How doesthat sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!


Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Sunday School Teacher‏ :

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.

He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"



"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.



Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina .



When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"



"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"



Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"



"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class If I did!"



Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got into his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh... Mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"



"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.



The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.



The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, 'What the Hell have I done?'



He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School Class?"



The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

 

[Munne]

im sure that you all have heard this one, but ill give it a try.. ( :

you are a hunter and you are out in the wild to find and kill some animals, but you remember that you've only got one shot left, now you see two lions running after you, what do you do ?



Answer: you shoot one in the ass that the other will laugh so much that it'll die. LOLWROFLMAO

 

[xarden]

:sarc: How do you shoot one's ass if its coming towards you? LOL, waffles and mayo.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A good Catholic joke . . ...

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site


noticed the coarse language of the workers


and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.​

She decided she would take her lunch;


sit with the workers; and talk with them.​

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and


walked over to the spot where the men were eating.​

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:


"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"​

They shook their heads and looked at each other.. very confused.​

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,


"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"​

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"​

The worker yelled back,


"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."​

 

[boohbah]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist,
"everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."
Woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman,
"you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault."

​

 

[CarlTR6]

I need a Raise :


Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise...
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

:roflmao::roflmao:

Sunday School Teacher‏ :

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School Class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief!
You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief!
You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

:roflmao:
​

 

[jfar]

Nice one Pebbly,

 

[Kari]

We need GFX team to design a new "Naughty" badge for Kathryn

 

[pebbly]

We need GFX team to design a new "Naughty" badge for Kathryn

:devil2:

 

[pebbly]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, English scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years
ago.

Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, a Scottish
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the Glasgow Morning Herald read:

"Scottish archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
telecommunications network 30 years earlier than the English".

One week later, the Irish Times, reported
the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture ,near Sligo,
Paddy a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing at all
. Paddy has therefore concluded that 130 years
ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief!
You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Pebbly,
You would think us men would get a clue about a woman's figure and age.
Guess that's why in the obit section of the paper you see women outliving men.
Most of the guy's died of lead poisoning...hehheheh

 

[Kari]

Paddy has therefore concluded that 130 years
ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[jfar]

A couple was invited to a swan.ky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.


Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"

- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

We need GFX team to design a new "Naughty" badge for Kathryn

:devil2:

You asked for it and you shall receive it.....
View attachment 133080

Wear it carefully!!!

 

[pebbly]

Very good THW ,well done