Jokes Thread 2

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years and breaks into a house to look for money.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While the convict's in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife replies, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'


Pebbly you are a .........................View attachment 133820 again!!!:zip:
 
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A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished locals and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my tackle unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a Blonde woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit ME on the head so hard with the bottle....'
 

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Ahahahaha...2 great jokes there Pebbly :D
 

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Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin Roben
 

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Nice one pebbly. Here
 

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I do like the Dubliners jfar ,Are they still going ?
 

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I do like the Dubliners jfar ,Are they still going ?


Ronnie Drew died recently, so I am not sure what is happening with them at the moment.
 

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One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island..

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes..

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You've built a Golf Course?"





 

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Not as fast as it should be......

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At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
:roflmao::roflmao: :thumbsup:
 

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"Miscommunication"

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer.


He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........

 
Last edited:

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"Miscommunication"

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer.


He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........

:roflmao::roflmao:
 

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Only two days ago: Jokes Thread 2


Oh damn!! My fault........my copy came from Saudi. Didn't see it here.

Apologies to all :o:o:o
 

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Not as fast as it should be......

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mickey megabyte 1234
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i'm a cooling fan
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i love win7
reminds me of pen island, a legitimate website selling pens. maybe theirs are particularly sticky? ;)

pen_island_tshirt-p235617966373996461qqrz_400.jpg


disclaimer: not to be confused with the pen islands of hudson bay, ontario. or pen island in louisiana, USA.
 

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Water cooler
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OUTPOST Security Suite
Is SEX work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man
 

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DELL XPS Studio 435T
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i7 975 3.3 GHz Extreme (Factory OC'd to 3.6 GHz)
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DELL provided
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18 Gb Tri-Channel 1066
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ATI 5970 2048 Mb
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X-Fi Extreme Gamer
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1.5 Tb HDD
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DELL Provided 475 watts
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DELL
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Logitech Performance K350 Wireless
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Logitech Performance MX Wireless
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3 Mb up 750 Kb down
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Bamboo Fun Tablet, Belkin N+ Wireless router, Pioneer Dolby System Wireless Headphones, Bose 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound System, LifeCam VX 3000 Webcam, Blu-Ray/Hi Def DVD +RW combo and Blu-ray +RW,l 15 in 1 media card reader, Logitech Rumblepad 2, Hauppauge 2250 DTV Tuner with MS Media Center Remote

Laptop:Alienware M17x, Q9100 CPU, 8Gb RAM, 1920x1200 WUXGA LCD driven by 4870's in CrossFireX, Bl
Fondling in Bed

:D :zip: ;)
 

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Built them myself, Science Experiments !
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AMD fx8350 4ghz, AMD-32 2400mhz, AMD-64 3200mhz, AMDx64 2.8G
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SIS 755, ECS-K8M890M-M (Ult 7600), GigaByte & others
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2gb, 4gb on the Ult 7600, 4gb on Technet RTM, 32gb on FX8350
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Draw my own Graphics, several nVidia cards
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on motherboard
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19" flat scr, 28" I-Inc widescr,22" Emprex Widescr, 23" Acer
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1280 x 1024, 1440 x 900, 1920 x 1080
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6 pata Ide HD's & 2 Sata HD's
added 80gb external on Ult 7600 computer,
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430w, 550w, 600w, 700, 800, etc
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All Generic Full Towers
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Compaq & Dell recycled from GoodWill
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Made in China Optical Wired Mouse
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Fast Cable InterNet
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AVG Free on 24 different Desktops, NO Problems!
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IE 8 is preferred, but use FireFox sometimes
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Linksys Routers, switches, & Hubs
Too Many USB Flash Drives to count, Biggest is 64GB !
Eight computers in my home network.
Sixteen computers at my business network.
Linked via TeamViewer !
Lots of old used spare computer parts everywhere!
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