Jokes Thread 2

[profdlp]

..."Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

In that same vein:

A guy goes into the bedroom and hands his wife a glass of water and two aspirin. She looks at him in confusion and says "I didn't ask for these and I don't need them?"

The guy says "In that case..."

 

[mickey megabyte]

:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with
one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease
the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She
does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try
lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage
door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

Pebbly hi gf.. You've won the prize for great jokes hands down.
this is a riot !!!. love it .

 

[The Howling Wolves]

To golf or not to golf that is the question...
> In 1923, Who Was:
>
> 1. President of the largest steel company?
> 2.. President of the largest gas company?
> 3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
> 4. Greatest wheat speculator?
> 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
> 6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
>
>
>
> These men were considered some of the worlds most
> successful of their days.
>
> Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know
> what ultimately became
> of them..
>
>
> The Answers:
>
> 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles
> Schwab,
> died a pauper.
>
>
> 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward
> Hopson,
> went insane.
>
> 3. The president of the NYSE,
> Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
>
> 4. The greatest wheat speculator,
> Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
>
> 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
> shot himself.
>
> 6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
> Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
>
> However,
> in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner
> of the most important
> golf tournament,
> the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
>
> What became of him?
>
> He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of
> 95. He was
> financially secure at the time of his death.
>
> The Moral:
> Screw work.
> Play golf.

 

[pebbly]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[Borg 386]

There's no doubt about it, I'm getting old.

The other day I was walking into the market and there was this lovely young lady standing there. I mean she was HOT!

And I started wondering...."I wonder what her Mom looks like?"

 

[Cato]

The problem women have with men is not that we are not listening. Women are not usually very clear.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like tohave for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you f---ing retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

[profdlp]

There's no doubt about it, I'm getting old.

The other day I was walking into the market and there was this lovely young lady standing there. I mean she was HOT!

And I started wondering...."I wonder what her Mom looks like?"

I do that all the time.

 

[Hopalong X]

There's no doubt about it, I'm getting old.

The other day I was walking into the market and there was this lovely young lady standing there. I mean she was HOT!

And I started wondering...."I wonder what her Mom looks like?"

I do that all the time.

...and I don't know when I switched to that thinking???
About 35 the below started becoming reality.

At some point in life you realize that you are old enough to be the younger females father you go uggghh!!!
Other words actually but I'll keep it clean.

Just imagine one of them really calling you Daddy it returns you to reality and brings you to the fact your just an old phart!

Getting older is great and sucks at the same time!

Life is the best joke of all!!!
Mike

 

[profdlp]

...At some point in life you realize that you are old enough to be the younger females father you go uggghh!!!
Other words actually but I'll keep it clean.

Just imagine one of them really calling you Daddy it returns you to reality and brings you to the fact your just an old phart!...

Last December I was working out at the Cleveland State gym when this charming young gal comes up and starts interviewing me for the gym newsletter. (Let me say right up front that I am not one of those delusional 51-year-old guys who thinks that every young woman is somehow fascinated by mature older men.)

But after she kept complimenting me on my workout and acting all impressed and whatnot I must admit that my ego started echoing her every word and I started to get impressed with myself just a little more than is healthy.

Trying to make conversation, I asked her what had made her decide to interview an old guy like me. Her answer was that I reminded her of her dad...

Oh, well - at least I got my picture in the paper:

 

[andsome]

YouTube - Light house vs USS Montana

 

[pebbly]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

:shockebbly,

Going to ask PooMankUK to add to you sig permanently!!

 

[Hopalong X]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

:roflmao:

Gets my seal of approval.

Also the :busted::busted: approve!

 

[kronckew]

YouTube - Light house vs USS Montana

not true, but still a funny story from the early 20th century (or earlier)

SNOPES re: Lighthouse

 

[Kari]

YouTube - Light house vs USS Montana

not true, but still a funny story from the early 20th century (or earlier)

SNOPES re: Lighthouse

That YouTube video is only a TV commercial shown in Sweden and Finland, about navigation equipment from Silva Ab, a Swedish company: Start - Silva

Kari

 

[Borg 386]

A woman had been married to her husband for 10 years and had always wondered about his peculiar habit. Whenever they had sex, he always insisted they do it in total darkness. This began to eat on her nerves over the years, so finally she decided to see what was going on.

That night, as they were about to have sex, she flipped on the light, and there was her husband, holding a cucumber between his legs.

"What the hell are you doing?" she yelled. "You mean for all these years you've been using one of those whenever we have sex????"

"Well....yes" admitted the husband sheepishly.

"You sneaky, no good SOB!!!" she screamed. "I just can't believe this!"

The husband looked at her calmly and said "Speaking of sneaky....how do you explain our 3 kids???"

 

[pebbly]

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

 

[pebbly]

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."​

 

[The Howling Wolves]

"In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

and this my friends is why Pebbly was angry when she left the counselors office!
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