Jokes Thread 2

[profdlp]

...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?

Cue music! time!

:roflmao:

I've got a bad feeling here...

 

[DreemWarrior]

You shore gots a purdy mouth...

 

[The Howling Wolves]

wUNDER who his dentusts ez?

 

[spinifex]

...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?

Cue music! time!

:roflmao:

I've got a bad feeling here...

Guess someone had to do it.

 

[profdlp]

It was all downhill from there...


...s-q-u-e-a-l...

 

[spinifex]

It was all downhill from there...


...s-q-u-e-a-l...

Very authentic, Steve.


Not from personal experience, i hope????:roflmao:

 

[DreemWarrior]

It was all downhill from there...


...s-q-u-e-a-l...

Very authentic, Steve.


Not from personal experience, i hope????:roflmao:

HAHA

 

[profdlp]

 

[profdlp]

So this woman is in bed asleep in the middle of the night when all of a sudden her drunk husband kicks in the door and comes walking in with a live duck under his arm. He points at the woman and slurs "I just want you to see the dirty pig I've been sleeping with!" The woman replies "You idiot, that's a duck, not a pig." The man replies "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you!"

 

[DreemWarrior]

One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house.

Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husband; I tole dat coonass he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water."

 

[DreemWarrior]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were going fishing. Boudreaux wanted to check the boat trailer lights. So he told Thibodeaux to go in the back and check the lights. Thibodeaux said press the brakes, both lights came on and he said, "It works". Boudreaux put on the right signal and Thibodeaux said, "It works, it don't, it works, it don't, it works, it don't". :roflmao:

 

[slash3r]

Wow, a lot of dirty jokes in here. Haha

 

[severedsolo]

Wow, a lot of dirty jokes in here. Haha

This is nothing... wait until you get to be a Guru.... the jokes in there would make Jim Davidson blush

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra gravy.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra gravy.

LPt,
Hopefully that was a typo error or she had a craving for spaghetti.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Dennis..... I dunno.. lol... :roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.


The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'





'For God’s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

 

[pebbly]

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These taser guns are well worth the money".

 

[DreemWarrior]

New Virus Alert!

Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Warren Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.

Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Texas Virus : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.

Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

 

[DreemWarrior]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.

Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"