Jokes Thread 2

[kronckew]

ahhnold, the inseminator

how far the mighty conan has fallen.

 

[seavixen32]

As I'm getting on in years my doctor prescribed viagra in the hope it would boost my flagging libido.

On my next routine visit he asked if my love-life had improved.

"No," I replied, "but every time I swallow a viagra pill I get a terrible stiff neck!"

 

[pebbly]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

 

[pebbly]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

 

[Hopalong X]

Pebbly

It is your turn on the naughty step this time.

 

[Dwarf]

Get back on that naughty step, Kathryn! :roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

I own the step

 

[Hopalong X]

You have been on it so long they gave you the Title to the property!

They will probably try to collect taxes now!.:roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

____________________
)
______
)Pebbly's Naughty steps...

 

[A Guy]

It made the news...

​

A Guy

 

[Hopalong X]

A Guy

That is great!! I saved a copy for posterity!

I heard the taxes are a 1000 Quid a year for the step!

 

[pebbly]

A Guy ,saved the cutting ,that is really good thank you

 

[DocBrown]

It made the news...

A Guy ​

Better that +Rep :roflmao:
​

 

[pebbly]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

 

[pebbly]

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."
So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...Think you can do better than that?"

The man spat out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

 

[ionbasa]

"Early one mornin, a mother went in to wake up her son …
mother : Wake up, son … Itz time to go to school ! …
son : But why, Mom ? .. I don want to go. …
mother : Give me two reasonz, why U don want to go. …
son : Well, da kidz hate me for one, … n da teacherz hate me, too ! …
mother : Oh, datz no reason not to go to school .. Come on now n get ready . …
son : Give me two reasonz, why I should go to school. …
mother : Well, for one, ure 52 yearz old .. n for another, u re da Principal !"

 

[jfar]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.


While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.

I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia .."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...
There will be Hell to pay later!

 

[profdlp]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the #@$&* wall!'''

 

[ionbasa]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the #@$&* wall!'''

+1

 

[Devux]

An Indian goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Sometimes I feel like a TeePee, and sometimes I feel like a WigWam". The psychiatrist thinks about it and says, "Well I think you're two tents"