Jokes Thread 2

[nithig]

No commenting - laughing!

 

[pebbly]

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place 'for a coffee'.

They get to her flat and she tells him to get himself a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see through negligee. "I am your sex slave" she says "I will do ANYTHING you want".

The man can't believe his luck "Hmmm" he says grinning from ear to ear, "I really fancy a 69" "screw you" replies the girl "I'm not cooking at this time of the night"

 

[pebbly]

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: Mum! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in
his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??

She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.?

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??

He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

 

[pebbly]

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. it used to be embarassing the way it would behave for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. now as old age appraches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!!!!!!!!!!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: Mum! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in
his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??

She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.?

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??

He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

Pebbly,
Sending you my deepest Sympathy!!!

 

[Dwarf]

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. it used to be embarassing the way it would behave for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. now as old age appraches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase! :shock:

 

[pebbly]

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. it used to be embarassing the way it would behave for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. now as old age appraches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase! :shock:

:roflmao:

 

[profdlp]

...I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase! :shock:

Every single step of it. :roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

...I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase! :shock:

Every single step of it. :roflmao:

And that is just the first floor!

 

[pebbly]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and she is watching her
mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.
"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,
lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "S**t woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

 

[pebbly]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

 

[Hopalong X]

Pebbly, Pebbly ...back to the steps.....

 

[pebbly]

An older couple at an art exhibition, were staring at a painting that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.

He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Canadians in predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he said, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?"

"How and why," asked the couple, "could you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?"

"Because I'm the guy who painted it." he replied.

"In fact, there are no African-Americans shown in the painting at all.

They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

[pebbly]

Pebbly, Pebbly ...back to the steps.....

creeps away quietly

 

[Hopalong X]

Pebbly, Pebbly ...back to the steps.....

creeps away quietly

:roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

I'll never look at a 'piece' of biscuit dough quite the same ever again.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Pebbly,
So much for home made bread!

 

[profdlp]

I'll never look at a 'piece' of biscuit dough quite the same ever again.

...and I'll never look at a coal miner quite the same ever again.

 

[Hopalong X]

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Leo Rosten, the great Jewish writer and authority on Jewish humor, listed as one of the characteristics of Jewish humor 'revenge over the oppressor by the use of guile or circumstance'. This is such a story:
Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?" Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!"

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"