Jokes Thread 2

[Borg 386]

...

 

[Hopalong X]

Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.

Going to attack Simmo for telling bad jokes?
:roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.

Going to attack Simmo for telling bad jokes?
:roflmao:

Why did the sixth koala fall out of the tree?

He didn't want to leave anyone left behind.

 

[Hopalong X]

Another Ninja Koala!!!!

http://www.koalaninja.com/

 

[pebbly]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago,"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information
that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Scottish
descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn''t really be discussing all this with you. I don''t
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[pebbly]

Mary went to see her Granny to see how she was coping. Grandad had been buried only the previous week and Mary was checking up on the old girl.

Both sat down with a cuppa and Mary asked "So how exactly did Grandad die?"

"Well it was the Sunday before last and we were having sex," says Gran.

"Having sex!!??" exclaimed Mary. "Surely that was a bit risky! After all, Grandad was 93!"

"Not at all," replied Gran, "we used to do it every Sunday morning. In fact, we used to time ourselves by the church bells ringing - in with the dings and out with the dongs!!" Gran suddenly looked sad and said, "and if it wasn't for that bloody ice cream van going by, he'd still be here today!!"

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Just call me Bubba!

 

[BrightBlessings]

An accountant, a social scientist and a lawyer are seated in a room. A guy walks in and asks them: "how much is 2 + 2?" The accountant whips out a calculator, pencils and paper, scribbles for awhile, and then says: "The answer, sir, is 4." The social scientist grabs her laptop, fires it up a few minutes, and then says "Well, as you know this is not an exact science, but I can say with a 95% level of confidence that the answer is between 3 and 5."
The lawyer, meanwhile, gets up, looks under all the chairs, checks in the closet, opens the door to the room and looks both ways down the hall. Then he comes back, sidles up to the guy who asked the question, and whispers:
"I don't care. How much do you want it to be?"

 

[Borg 386]

"Father's Day is different in Beverly Hills. Kids have to buy presents for their biological father, their stepfather, and their surrogate father." -Jay Leno

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Just a Cup of Tea
ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW !!!
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2-1/2 years old, and someone had given me a little tea set as a gift, which was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said (and only a mother would surmise), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

NOW MAKE ANOTHER PARENT OR GRANDPARENT SMILE....

 

[smarteyeball]

[FONT=&quot]Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters; in a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]One guy in the front row jumps out of his seat and shouts at the top of his voice: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind Impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The guy jumps out of his seat again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor scale and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pissed off now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage "OK ...OK, you get up here and do it".
[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]The little guy climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing......[/FONT]















[FONT=&quot]. [FONT=&quot]“A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."[/FONT][/FONT]

 

[profdlp]

[FONT=&quot]Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China...[/FONT]

He even Tweeted about it!

 

[smarteyeball]

He even Tweeted about it!

tsajhs pd fommy :roflmao:

 

[seavixen32]

While the huge C-5 transport aircraft was turning over its engines, a female crew member gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and her crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant was sitting in the eighth row and thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' replied the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call it the cockpit'

'It's now known as The Box Office.'

 

[Devux]

'It's now known as The Box Office.'

OhThat's a good one.

 

[Hopalong X]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"

Now you know...Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"

Now you know...Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Mike,
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!

 

[Hopalong X]

Mike,
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!

Cause they don't eat mangy wolves?

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Mike,
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!

Cause they don't eat mangy wolves?

That's cause us mangy wolves have nothing to eat but those old dirt bag cowboys that live off beans, jerky and booze!

 

[smarteyeball]

[FONT=&quot]Scottish Soldier.............who says Scots are tight??[/FONT]

​

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully, he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana.​

​

He carefully unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk, square handkerchief which he also unfolds, revealing a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot seriously asks the chemist. "Six pence", says the chemist casually. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence", says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater roar of voices.​

The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote", he says.​

"We'll have a new one."​