Jokes Thread 2

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this.
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like

an assembly line?
Shingles :
Here's what happened to Bubba. He walked into the doctor's office and the

receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down

his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete

medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba

said, 'Shingles.' so the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test,

an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for

the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude

and asked Bubba what he had.



Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'



Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'

 

[Neoseer88]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, Now you stay. Do you hear me?

Stay! Stay!

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, Why don't you just put it in PARK?

 

[Neoseer88]

Telephone bill

At some day the telephone bill is extra high and Father calls the family together and said:

"A telephone bill cannot be that high! What are you doing? "I am not the one to blame" said Father. "Most of the time I make calls at work!"
Mother responds: "Yes, and I use the phone at work too. I am not the one to blame either."
The daughter says: "I am certainly not the one to blame, I always use the phone at my internship."
All their eyes are turning to the maid, that responds:

"Why are you looking at me, you also call from work, yes?"

 

[Neoseer88]

Foot.

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"
So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel.
The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service," states the drunk.
She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table.
When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

 

[Neoseer88]

One last joke for today!

Little Johnny

Little Johnny went camping with the school.
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "I know, and it wasn't my finger".

 

[pebbly]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.


"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They’re bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.


The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "They’re Carols".

 

[Dwarf]

:roflmao:

Good one, Carol Kathleen!

 

[jfar]

Carols,hhh

 

[The Howling Wolves]

If they are Carols(Kathleens) then many of us will enter through the pearly gates!!:devil2::devil2:

 

[Borg 386]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects again.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist steps out of the office and returns a moment later, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

"it doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when i pull your tooth."

​

 

[boohbah]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

 

[seavixen32]

A man went to the local canine rescue centre to see if he could find a dog to replace his pet pooch that had died recently.

He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.

As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.

The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.

The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A man went to the local canine rescue centre to see if he could find a dog to replace his pet pooch that had died recently.

He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.

As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.

The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.

The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"

How sic......

I would Rary tell that joke in public!

 

[A Guy]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and duly climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below all looking up at her.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"N,n,n,no," stammers the old man, "but it is certainly quivering a little."

A Guy

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"N,n,n,no," stammers the old man, "but it is certainly quivering a little."

A Guy

:roflmao:
​

 

[seavixen32]

For anyone having mother-in-law issues:

I wanted to do something nice for my mother-in-law so I bought her a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

My wife said:"Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" and she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors in London and one of the staff said: "Keep her moving, sir, we're stock-taking."

Lawyer to client: "Your mother-in-law passed away. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Son-in-law: "Take no chances. Order all three."

 

[Neoseer88]

Belgium announced the war against Holland!!

...... They are in Paris now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is the bus in Belgium always 10 meters long and 30 meters wide?

So they all can sit in the back.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[A Guy]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a f***ing liar. He never did any of that sh*t.

A Guy

 

[smsff7]

A man went to the local canine rescue centre to see if he could find a dog to replace his pet pooch that had died recently.

He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.

As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.

The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.

The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"

am I the only person who did not get this joke?

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a f***ing liar. He never did any of that sh*t.

A Guy

lol, but really who cares if the dog lies...he talks!!!!!