Jokes Thread 2

[beauparc]

True story this.....

About 20 years ago while serving with the RAF at a base in Suffolk, England, the following took place.

Young lad arrives at the medical centre for his annual checkup. The female doctor decides to have some fun, and presents him with an empty milk bottle telling him she wants to do a sperm count, and he is to fill the bottle!!

On arrival back at work he tells the Flight Sergeant what happened. This causes great hilarity and the FS decides on a plan. He takes the bottle and fills it with wallpaper paste, putting a bit of tape over the top.

Two days later he takes the young lad to the Amateur Dramatics section where he is made up with bags under his eyes, sunken cheeks and is coached on how to pretend to be exhausted.

Up to Med centre, knocks on doctor's door, opens it and crawls on his hands and knees to her desk where he reaches up and bangs the bottle down saying "Done it M'am"

Apparently the chaos which ensued had to be seen to be believed with the doctor having hysterics and everyone else lying on the floor laughing.

The whole station knew about it and that doctor never lived it down!!

A secondary moral to this story...never, ever mess with SNCOs.

 

[seavixen32]

While on the subject of true stories, the following happened to me in 1967 when I was serving onboard the aircraft carrier HMS Eagle out in the Far East.

As was the norm in those days we got paid every second Thursday and the pay parade for 2,500 destitute sailors was in the main hangar below the flight deck.

Because we were in a tropical zone, the off-duty rig of the day was a blue shirt with blue shorts and a pair of sandals.

To get our pay when we got to the front of the line we had to march up to the Pay Officer, hold out our ID card in one hand and salute him with the other before being given our pay.

However, in my rush to get down to the pay parade, I'd forgotten I was wearing a pair of flip-flops instead of the customary brown leather sandals.

As I marched up for my pay, the Pay Officer gave me look of complete disdain and said haughtily: "I can't pay you in flip-flops!"

To this day I don't know what came over me, but quick as a flash, I replied: "That's alright, sir. Pound notes will do!"

The whole of the assembled parade creased up with laughter except for one man, who looked at me with a look of thunder and barked, "Five days punishment for making a frivolous remark to an officer."

No matter, the re-telling of the story got me extra rum each day until I left the ship a year later.

 

[BugMeister]

..do florists shout "GERANIUM..!!"

- when they jump out of aeroplanes..?







- Nurse, I need me coat..!!

 

[Neoseer88]

A Frenchman, a Dutchman and a Belgian stand side by side on the sidewalk waiting for the bus.
After some time they hear a ringtone and the Frenchman takes his left shoe and starts calling. When the Frenchman finished his call they hear a different ringtone and the Dutchman grabs his right shoe and starts to call, when the Dutchman was done with his call all in a sudden they hear a strange beeping sound. The Frenchman and the Dutchman look at the guy from Belgium. The guy pulls his pants down and behind him sticks a whole bunch of toilet paper out of his ass. The Belgium guy replies to that: Wait a minute I got a fax coming trough.

 

[pebbly]

Daddy, How Was I Born?"
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"

"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."

"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said...

(scroll down)












...you've got male!"

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

:roflmao:
​

 

[xarden]

So a bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods.
The bear turns and says, "Rabbit... do you ever have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit blinks, and replies "What? No... never..."
The bear nods, "Good", then picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Anniversary...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that too', she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'

 

[seavixen32]

It's just as well Microsoft don't design and build cars.

You're hammering along at 80 mph when a traffic cop steps out in the road and signals you to pull in.

In a blind panic you hit the brakes and up pops a message on the dashboard "Are you sure you want to stop?"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The Anniversary...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that too', she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'

LPt,
Was his name in the OBit section of the newspaper this week-end?
That was really funny. Thanks for sharing!
THW

 

[A Guy]

The Anniversary...

Good one M'Lady, gonna steal borrow this one

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A Guy hi.... It's your's .. anything I post is up for grabs.. ..
I thought it was funny also.
Hope you have a great new week.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Anniversary...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that too', she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'

LPt,
Was his name in the OBit section of the newspaper this week-end?
That was really funny. Thanks for sharing!
THW

Dennis hi.. glad you enjoyed it.. we all need a few good laughs to get us through the hard. disappointing, times in life.
I know you always find those tiny bits in your life , that help you hang on. God bless you for all you do .. along with a great compassionate attitude.
I'm delighted when something I've posted, brings you that smile.

 

[A Guy]

I know you always find those tiny bits in your life

Dennis tries to keep that secret! :shock:

A Guy

 

[profdlp]

Cold!

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[omi08]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school*Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK,I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story*Robot slaps son again*
SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!*Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.*Robot slaps mom*

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Subject: FW: WORK EXPERIENCE MATTERS





My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,



but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,



but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried being a Tailor,



but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,



but that was too exhausting.

Then, tried being a Chef,



figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,



but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was a Musician,



but they eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor,



but didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.



Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman,



but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,



but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center,



but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian



until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks,



but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT



AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

[seavixen32]

We shouldn't laugh at other peoples' misfortune, but the black humour of the British soldier, sailor or airman/woman always makes me chuckle, none more so than this snippet I read in today's newspaper.

A British soldier in hospital after losing a leg as a result of a Taliban land mine in Afghanistan was visited by a bunch of his mates.

They brought with them an eye patch, a parrot, one crutch and a book on running! Apparently, the recipient of these "gifts" laughed so much that he nearly fell out of bed.

 

[pebbly]

A man was staggering home from the pub one night very drunk, when he stumbles over something on the ground. Upon closer inspection he notices it's a lamp. So he picks it up and gives it a rub and out pops a Genie.

"I'll grant you one wish" Says the genie.
The man was a bit skeptical so he says sarcasticly, "I wish I could pee Jack Daniels"

The Genie grants his wish and sure enough, when the man pees', Jack Daniels comes out.

Excited, he races home to his wife and exclaims "I can pee Jack Daniels. Get me a glass, we're having a drink!"

"why only one glass?" the wife asks.
"That's for me, you can drink it from the bottle!", He replies.

 

[pebbly]

Mary went to see her Granny to see how she was coping. Grandad had been buried only the previous week and Mary was checking up on the old girl.

Both sat down with a cuppa and Mary asked "So how exactly did Grandad die?"

"Well it was the Sunday before last and we were having sex," says Gran.

"Having sex!!??" exclaimed Mary. "Surely that was a bit risky! After all, Grandad was 93!"

"Not at all," replied Gran, "we used to do it every Sunday morning. In fact, we used to time ourselves by the church bells ringing - in with the dings and out with the dongs!!" Gran suddenly looked sad and said, "and if it wasn't for that bloody ice cream van going by, he'd still be here today!!"