Jokes Thread 2

[The Howling Wolves]

Beware of older men....

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

Dennis! That's the last time we're letting you go to McDonalds on your own.

Dwarf,
I suppose you want my daily schedule of when I go to McDonalds so you can join!

Mike(Hopalong X and Nick(PooManUK) have already put in their bids.
THW

 

[Dwarf]

Don't tell me that Mike and Nick were with you at the time? Did you blindfold them or make them wear Topper's blinkers?

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Don't tell me that Mike and Nick were with you at the time? Did you blindfold them or make them wear Topper's blinkers?

No, they were sitting at the far table and couldn't see what I was up to!
Both knew I was up to no good by the grin I had on my face when I returned to help
them with their coloring books. Old geezer's can't even stay within the lines!
THW

 

[arkhi]

How many F's are in the following sentence?

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULTS OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEAERS.













Did you count it right?
.sɹǝʇʇǝן xıs ǝɹɐ ǝɹǝɥʇ

 

[Thorsen]

Um... I counted 4?

lol ok i got it now. realized where i missed

 

[A Guy]

6

A Guy

 

[profdlp]

I counted twelve, but then again, I am really drunk. (d)

I'll check back and see how many there are in the morning.

 

[profdlp]

PS: I do not drink. I just make dumb jokes about it.

 

[JMH]

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ****ing ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Stand By Your Man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking, 'Oh my God!
Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

 

[profdlp]

...'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

You are a naughty girl, LPT. :roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

OHH Noooo.. I've been caught..

 

[wilywombat]

Did ya pick the cute cuddly pink one from the top shelf??? ROFL!!

 

[Frank1]

A guy was sitting at a bar drinking a glass of beer. Pretty soon a monkey jumped on the bar and sat in the guys glass of beer. The guy looked at the bartender and said, "Hey bartender, that monkey put his ass in my beer." So the bartender gave him a new glass of beer. Before long the monkey did the same thing. The guy said, "That monkey did the same thing again." The bartender said," Hey mister, that's not my monkey. I'm not going to give you another free glass of beer. See that piano player over there. That's his monkey. Go tell him about it!" So the guy went over to the piano player and said, "Do you know your monkey put his ass in my beer?" The piano player said, "I don't think so, but if you hum it maybe I can play it."

 

[Hopalong X]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I'll take the soup.”

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”

 

[Hopalong X]

I didn't know where else to put this. News report.
Watch it at least until they put up the map of the intersection.
This will explain everything if you don't catch the problem in the video footage.

 

[seavixen32]

Complaints Log For a Local Council in England

1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off..

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Should I really Join Facebook ?

A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!



When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I dotoot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Ahhhhh TEXAS
Caution.. this language is a bit salty.
Dear Diary,

Just moved to Texas ! Now This is a state

That knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.

It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a

Problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But, getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:Fell asleep by the community pool.. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag,

Then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner
is on the Fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug.. 4th:Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do crap for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state?

Water rationing is next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn
windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you Know how the trial goes.