Jokes Thread 2

[seavixen32]

A woman went into a butcher's shop the other day and asked the butcher: "Is that a sheep's head in the window?"

"No madam," he replied. "It's a mirror."

 

[seavixen32]

A dwarf was on a holiday flight to Spain.

He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.

"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.

"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"

 

[damien76]

A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Sound like Hopalong has taken Topper for a ride thru the neighborhood.

 

[Dwarf]

A dwarf was on a holiday flight to Spain.

He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.

"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.

"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"

Disclaimer: The Dwarf in question was NOT me, despite what everyone else thinks.

 

[Dwarf]

A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

We didn't know that you were a traveling vacuum cleaner salesman, Mike. :huh:

 

[pebbly]

There are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

 

[pebbly]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

 

[seavixen32]

A dwarf was on a holiday flight to Spain.

He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.

"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.

"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"

Disclaimer: The Dwarf in question was NOT me, despite what everyone else thinks.

Disclaimer: No offence intended, but which one are you? My wife's got me down as Grumpy.

 

[pebbly]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

 

[pebbly]

A very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of the bar.
The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."
The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Pebbly now that you are back..............
Let me award you the

badge again!

 

[djl47]

There once was a lady Ann Heiser
Who thought that no man would surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Found a Busch in her pants
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

 

[pebbly]

A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his appearance.

"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant."

To which the man smiled and replied, "Madam, it was and she is."

 

[pebbly]

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.

Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"

The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.

But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"

 

[Golden]

Oh Pebbly. Hahahahahahahah.......................

 

[Dom]

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"

:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

A man is driving home late one Halloween night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.

The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

 

[pebbly]

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground is placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

 

[Phone Man]

A blind man walks into a bar. Sits down and orders a drink. He then asks if anyone wants to hear a blond joke. The bartender says before you tell your joke you need to know that I am a blond and a female weight lifter, the girl on your right is blond and a professional wrestler and the girl on your left is blond and a professional boxer. Now do you really want to tell a blond joke? He thinks a minuet and replies, never mind I don't want to explain the joke 3 times.

Jim