Jokes Thread [3]

[Hopalong X]

THE JEWISH MISTRESS

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says,
"Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband,
"she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Oy vey!

:roflmao:

 

[Joan Archer]

Have you been having lessons from Pepply LPt1, I think you're going to be sent to the naughty step soon.:roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

One fine day, a guy was out golfing and got up to the 16th hole. He teed up and cranked one. Unfortunately, it went into the woods on the side of the fairway. He went looking for his ball and came across a little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Bless Me!" said the golfer, then proceeded to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy said, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

"I can't take anything from you," The man said "I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly" and walked away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thought "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that any man would want; I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

A year passed quickly and the same golfer was out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He hit one into the same woods and went off looking for his ball. Just as he found it, he saw the same little guy and asked how he was doing.

"I'm fine," The leprechaun said, "and might I ask how your golf game is?"

"It's great!" The golfer said, "I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responded the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiled: "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

Now the golfer looked at him a little shyly and said, "Well, maybe once or twice a month."

Floored, the leprechaun stammered, "Once or twice a month?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

ha ha ha........

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

... Ohhh Joan........ NOT the naughty place plz......lol

 

[A Guy]

Good one Borg

A Guy

 

[Joan Archer]

What happened to I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

 

[pebbly]

Good one Joan :roflmao:

 

[Bertison]

YORKIE JOKE: (from a Nottinghamshire lad)

One fine Dales day, two elderly Yorkshiremen were "gassin"* by the gate, when a funeral procession passed by.

Silence ensued until it had gone, then one said to the other, " Oos that dead nah then?"

"Im i' t'box, shouldn't wonder."

* - 'gassin' - having a conversation.
​

 

[BugMeister]

six out of seven dwarves aren't happy..

 

[A Guy]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side

Bazinga!

A Guy

 

[Hopalong X]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side

Bazinga!

A Guy

Deja vu all over again.

 

[Trucidation]

Now Hiring

Murphy, O’Shea & Mullligan go for a job on a building site, but have been told beforehand that the foreman is a racist prick who dislikes the Irish.

Murphy suggest to the other two that they give English sounding names.

O’Shea goes in first. The foreman immediately asks him his name; O'Shea looks out window & sees a Woolworth store. "My name is F W Woolworth!"

"Get out!" shouts the foreman, not fooled by the obvious.

Mulligan goes in - same question, he also looks out window and sees a shoe shop. "My name is Freeman Hardy Willis!"

"Get out!" shouts the foreman, getting angrier.

Murphy is last in. The now-exasperated foreman asks "And what’s your name?"

Murphy has good look out of window and replies "Ken".

The foreman gets a look of relief on his face. "Thank Christ for that," he says. "But I need your full name. Ken who?"

"Tuckey Fried Chicken," says Murphy.

The resulting angry roar could be heard a block away.

 

[BlackSparrow]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side

Bazinga!

A Guy

Man, Deja Vu...

 

[BlackSparrow]

If you smoke a lot of pot you may never become a rocket scientist... or maybe. If you've seen what's going on these days with NASA, maybe you can.
OK, The Mars Lander right? I did the calculations in feet... but i programmed the lander in metres. OOPS! So instead of landing, ****er buried! A hundred and eighty five million dollars WOOPSEE! Two years, SPLAT!

 

[Trucidation]

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: they ran out of scaffolding.

 

[BlackSparrow]

:roflmao:

 

[Hopalong X]

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: they ran out of scaffolding.

A sad tale indeed. They ran out of Guinness kegs to empty and stack.

 

[Trucidation]

The Divorce

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

ಠ_ಠ

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao: