Jokes Thread [3]

[pebbly]

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........
Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

 

[Dwarf]

Now, you might well think the above mentioned horse was an unbroken stallion but no; 'twas only a kiddies ride.

 

[jadinolf]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.

The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job. "What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee. "Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck. "Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him. Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

 

[boohbah]

pebbly ,you filthy ole trollop!

 

[pebbly]

pebbly ,you filthy ole trollop!

Why thank you kind sir

 

[Dwarf]

Just remind us what your job was before you retired. :shock:

 

[pebbly]

Just remind us what your job was before you retired. :shock:

I was the only female in an office full of men :roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

Exercise for People over 50


Mar152012

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level. )
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

 

[pebbly]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie’s lips."What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts."Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

[richnrockville]

Groan...

rich

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

"hahahahahaHAHA.. great ONE Pebbly......

 

[beauparc]

From the late, great Ronnie Barker. On TV in the 1970s




This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

 

[boohbah]

loved the two ronnies, i can never remember which was which
was ronnie barker the fuge bat hastard

 

[beauparc]

Yes. Corbett is the short one!

 

[Layback Bear]

I have been told their are three words that men don't like to hear.
Is it in.

 

[z3r010]

"Pass the Visa" scares me more.

 

[Layback Bear]

"Pass the Visa" scares me more.

Oh yes that does make one tremble and sweat.

 

[BlackSparrow]

"Pass the Visa" scares me more.

Oh yes that does make one tremble and sweat.

Agreed.

 

[BrightBlessings]

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring " Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: " R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya! "

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams " R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya! "

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells " R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run! " All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, " He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls. "

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, " Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!! "