Jokes Thread

[LADYPINKtomato1]

If you can stand on your head , it's upright...lol.. won't help me any,
I never could do that ,I'm way too tall.. have too much to try and get in the air...lol

 

[Joan Archer]

If you can stand on your head , it's upright...lol.. won't help me any,
I never could do that ,I'm way too tall.. have too much to try and get in the air...lol

I could when I was younger, and I was tall, but no way would I be able to now

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 metre.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 metre.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Parking Brake.

28. Drive back to bank ....forgot to take money out of machine.
29. Entire process starts all over again.:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

THW YOU are soooooo BAD !!!!.. I knew you'd find a huge laugh in this.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Phone Call
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!!"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

+ 2 Lpt
Had seen that in one of my Golf Magazines...along with this picture..

Stay off the course or else...
View attachment 87855

You don't have to tell me twice! Yikes.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

When the lake at the golf course was low , I have picked up those wayward balls...
washed them in my Maytag machine.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

When the lake at the golf course was low , I have picked up those wayward balls...
washed them in my Maytag machine.

In my daily routine I walk the 11th green to the 10th tee box daily and I have found over 35 balls one day. My neighbor walks the other side from the 12th tee box to the 13th green and found over 40+ on one outing. It's amazing!
Have a great evening as I suspect you are off to
View attachment 87860

nighty nite LPt!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

THW not just yet.. it's only 8:21 pm here now....see if you can view the video I posted a few moments ago.. in " Today ".. if not try to get it fixed for me pz..
I tried the V to the end.. not sure it will work as planned..

 

[CarlTR6]

:roflmao:

Disclaimer: I am NOT the vertically-challenged individual refered to here, nor am I related to him.

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

I have been behind that lady at the ATM!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I must admit I'm fast at the ATM.. I want my money and then I'm gone like lightening.
I get my cash.. get my reciept.. then my card.. I close the window.. lock my seatbelt.. and then drive away.. I don't want to risk anyone dashing up to my car demanding anything from me.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

I have been behind that lady at the ATM!

Carl hi.. I'm so glad the lady of your house is returning home.. I know you've missed her something awful.. no doubt she too is ready to get back where you are as well.
Enjoy !!!
Still so hot here until mid-afternoon.. then a shower, cooled things quite a bit .. at 5:45 pm the temp at the bank was 74º.
I'm surely glad...even tho this won't last long.. the break sure is nice.

 

[CarlTR6]

It is 10:00 PM here and still 87 F. We did not get out afternoon showers to cool things off.

 

[spinifex]

Dennis too funny.. surely most blonds are not like this !!!!
I'm still laughing.:roflmao::roflmao:

LPt1 why is your signature upside down

Shame it went back, course for a while it was correct for us in Aus.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Spin hi... Nokian flipped it upside down as a joke.. because I said
"Now I'll rotate my Sigs...since I have so many nice ones to use" ..
caused a big stir in the room today.. we all had fun with it.
Enjoy your evening.
hugs

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Spin see this.. .. this is how it looked.. then Noyb really put a spin on it..
made the room dizzy from spinning around..360º ... lol... literally.

 

[A Guy]

:roflmao:

Disclaimer: I am NOT the vertically-challenged individual refered to here, nor am I related to him.

:roflmao::roflmao:

A Guy

 

[johnwillyums]

Two great jokes LPt. I shall be telling those at work, thanks