Jokes Thread

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Tom hi .. I could never confuse you with any joke.. now myself.. that's another story...:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

TOM'S SCROTUM


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would
like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked
to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they
imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to
hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible
pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's
scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in
the
congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with
unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He
said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[A Guy]

TOM'S SCROTUM


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would
like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked
to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they
imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to
hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible
pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's
scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in
the
congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with
unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He
said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

:roflmao::roflmao:

Mixed bag of jokes we get here :roflmao:

A Guy

 

[kronckew]

Rejected Children's Book Titles

I just love the little darlings,don't you?

1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Claus is your real Mum
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipes to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabies
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
34. ill show you mine if you show me yours
35. Everybody poops.....just not in their ****ing pants
36. The very hungover caterpillar
37. Fun with the dog and a jar of peanut butter
38. 1001 things that fit in an electrical outlet
39. My two moms
40. The ugly duckling who grew up and hung himself
41. Piranhas in the public pool, and other practical jokes
42. How to get rid of crabs for dummies
43. Joe Wright and the seven hookers
44. Jack and Jill, and the morning after pill

 

[Dom]

:roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

They need a brain.....

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Greatest Golf Story Ever



A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his
previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the
hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!"

"It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it
will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she

will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver!
She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag

every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget
the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you man, she's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

 

[derekimo]

Greatest Golf Story Ever

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you man, she's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

:roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

Sick - but I love it!

 

[steve-pressman]

This might appeal to our British members more although funny it really needs a good understanding of British humour to appreciate it.



hold your plums:wasy question about left hand drive


Steve

 

[Dwarf]

:roflmao:

That's a good one.

 

[MattRainier]

9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games

My sisters like to listen to this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEr01yjmzfQ&playnext=1&videos=azZevtRtRY0

 

[Petey7]

Not a joke per se, but notalwaysright.com pleases me again.

 

[Dom]

This might appeal to our British members more although funny it really needs a good understanding of British humour to appreciate it.



hold your plums:wasy question about left hand drive


Steve

I probably don't have as much experience in England as you do, but that was so funny! :roflmao:
Me and my dad cannot stop laughing!

Is it me, or do the guys sound like Ant and Dec? :huh:

 

[mitchell65]

This might appeal to our British members more although funny it really needs a good understanding of British humour to appreciate it.



hold your plums:wasy question about left hand drive


Steve

Total Magic Steve

 

[steve-pressman]

This might appeal to our British members more although funny it really needs a good understanding of British humour to appreciate it.



hold your plums:wasy question about left hand drive


Steve

I probably don't have as much experience in England as you do, but that was so funny! :roflmao:
Me and my dad cannot stop laughing!






Steve
Is it me, or do the guys sound like Ant and Dec? :huh:

No Dom this woman was from Liverpool and and Ant & Dec are from Newcastle totally different accents



Steve

 

[Dom]

This might appeal to our British members more although funny it really needs a good understanding of British humour to appreciate it.



hold your plums:wasy question about left hand drive


Steve

I probably don't have as much experience in England as you do, but that was so funny! :roflmao:
Me and my dad cannot stop laughing!






Steve
Is it me, or do the guys sound like Ant and Dec? :huh:

No Dom this woman was from Liverpool and and Ant & Dec are from Newcastle totally different accents



Steve

Ah...

 

[whs]

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."



2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."



3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."



4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."



5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)



6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)



7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"



8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."



9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"



10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."



11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."



12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )



13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"



14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."



15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."



AND THE WINNER IS....



16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

 

[Petey7]

Those are awesome WHS. I actually know someone who had heard no. 8 from a cop before.

 

[Joan Archer]

This might appeal to our British members more although funny it really needs a good understanding of British humour to appreciate it.



hold your plums:wasy question about left hand drive


Steve

That was hilarious Steve thanks for the link. :roflmao: