Jokes Thread

[Dwarf]

You don't go by the name of Henry as well, do you Ted? :huh:

Sometimes I like to be called Henry the Eight. :shock:

My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen. We are honoured by the presence of Royalty, namely King Henry VIII.

 

[derekimo]

Job interview?

A 'trade for services rendered' by any other name is still a job!

I guess I'm the one missing something here. :roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Job interview?

A 'trade for services rendered' by any other name is still a job!

I guess I'm the one missing something here. :roflmao:

Hello Derek.


When one of them says to you "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" it's your money they want to see.

 

[derekimo]

A 'trade for services rendered' by any other name is still a job!

I guess I'm the one missing something here. :roflmao:

Hello Derek.


When one of them says to you "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" it's your money they want to see.

Hi Ted,

I can follow most of that, I was wondering where job interview fit in, I didn't see it in your original post.
No big deal, if it has to be explained it must be way over my head and lost all the humor by now.
I appreciate you trying, I'm S.O.S. :roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

I guess I'm the one missing something here. :roflmao:

Hello Derek.


When one of them says to you "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" it's your money they want to see.

Hi Ted,

I can follow most of that, I was wondering where job interview fit in, I didn't see it in your original post.
No big deal, if it has to be explained it must be way over my head and lost all the humor by now.
I appreciate you trying, I'm S.O.S. :roflmao:

"I appreciate you trying, I'm S.O.S"......Glad you said that it just removed all doubt about you!:roflmao::roflmaod)

 

[derekimo]

Hello Derek.


When one of them says to you "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" it's your money they want to see.

Hi Ted,

I can follow most of that, I was wondering where job interview fit in, I didn't see it in your original post.
No big deal, if it has to be explained it must be way over my head and lost all the humor by now.
I appreciate you trying, I'm S.O.S. :roflmao:

"I appreciate you trying, I'm S.O.S"......Glad you said that it just removed all doubt about you!:roflmao::roflmaod)

No doubt about it! :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I got us a new doormat ... my wife doesn't think it's funny

I love it! You wife has no sense of humor. :y114:

Neither does mine: We were on vacation (holiday) and she wanted to go to a mall; I did not want to go and I asked why we would go to the Mall on vacation???. She said that she needed something from a store that our stores do not carry. Needless to say we went to the mall. While at the Mall I was wandering around and found a kiosk that made one-off bumper stickers. I figured why not, I asked the guy if he could make up 10, he said yes and I was off. When we got home I put one on her car and mine. The bumper sticker reads:

“Sleep with a computer technician and stay virus free”

I love the play on words. She was NOT happy and I had to remove the bumper stickers. UGH!

I liked your JOKE !!!!..

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

~~Whale Of A Story ~~

Recently, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the
window of a gym.

It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym:

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans). They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby
whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with
shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia,
the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are
incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world...

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the
offices of psychoanalysts due to identity crisis: Fish or human? They don't
have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention
how could they have sex? Just look at them ...where is IT?

Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get
close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate
with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much
information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it
distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are
enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good
grief! Look how smart I am!"

 

[derekimo]

That's great LPt!

 

[BugMeister]

did you hear the one about the dyslexic who walked into a bra..

 

[xarden]

DNA. the National Dyslexia Association.
Its where dyslexics untie.

 

[Petey7]

DNA. the National Dyslexia Association.
Its where dyslexics untie.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demandrd to know why the charge is so high.I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them," I said.''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

 

[CarlTR6]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
{/QUOTE]

Yup... That's my situation... I'm my wife's SECOND husband...

:roflmao:A lot of us can relate to that ! :roflmao:

:roflmao::roflmao: Indeed we can. But I must say that I did it right this time around.

 

[CarlTR6]

I got us a new doormat ... my wife doesn't think it's funny

I love it! You wife has no sense of humor. :y114:

Neither does mine: We were on vacation (holiday) and she wanted to go to a mall; I did not want to go and I asked why we would go to the Mall on vacation???. She said that she needed something from a store that our stores do not carry. Needless to say we went to the mall. While at the Mall I was wandering around and found a kiosk that made one-off bumper stickers. I figured why not, I asked the guy if he could make up 10, he said yes and I was off. When we got home I put one on her car and mine. The bumper sticker reads:

“Sleep with a computer technician and stay virus free”

I love the play on words. She was NOT happy and I had to remove the bumper stickers. UGH!

:roflmao: I love it!

 

[CarlTR6]

~~Whale Of A Story ~~

Recently, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the
window of a gym.

It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym:

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans). They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby
whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with
shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia,
the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are
incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world...

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the
offices of psychoanalysts due to identity crisis: Fish or human? They don't
have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention
how could they have sex? Just look at them ...where is IT?

Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get
close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate
with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much
information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it
distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are
enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good
grief! Look how smart I am!"

Excellent!

 

[ryo]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demandrd to know why the charge is so high.I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them," I said.''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[gladson1976]

~~Whale Of A Story ~~

Recently, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the
window of a gym.

It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym:

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans). They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby
whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with
shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia,
the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are
incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world...

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the
offices of psychoanalysts due to identity crisis: Fish or human? They don't
have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention
how could they have sex? Just look at them ...where is IT?

Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get
close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate
with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much
information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it
distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are
enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good
grief! Look how smart I am!"

Good one LPT
Sadly, I could never get my weight up and I've been trying for a veeeeeeeery long time. I'm just 60 Kgs (~130 Pounds) now.

 

[kronckew]

A Redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman hidden in the shadows.


"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!," Bubba answers sounding annoyed

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face."

 

[gladson1976]

Talking Maori Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
“What’s that big brass gong for ?” one of the friend’s asked.
“Issss not a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock” he drunkenly replied.
“A talking Maori clock - seriously ?”
“Yup. Hmmm (hic)”.
“How’s it work ?” the second friend asked, squinting at it.
“Just watch” he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ‘ear-shattering bash’ and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed, “For God’s sake, you stupid coconut . It’s ten past three in the morning !!!”