Jokes Thread

[NoGoodNamesLeft]

Person 1:Knock Knock

Person 2:Whos there?

Person 1: Boo

Person 2: Boo who? :huh:

Person 1: ZOMG WHY U CRYIN??!?


Rofl its so dumb i know.

 

[Thorsen]

3 strings walk into a bar. They pull up stools at the bar and order 3 beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get outa here. We don't server strings here...." The three strings leave. They want some beer so they formulate a plan. They all jump to the ground. wiggling around getting all dirty and grimmy on the sidewalk. After a short while, they get up and walk back into the bar. They pull up a bar stool and sit down and order 3 beers.

The bartender looks at them and after a second says "hey, aren't you those three strings that came in here earlier?" To which they replied " NOPE... I'm a frayed knot."

 

[DocBrown]

An elderly(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.



​

​

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.




The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.



​

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

:ar:


:ar:


:ar:


:ar:





"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile

 

[CarlTR6]

We are interesting : Not a joke..... but an observation.


GOD

AND​

LAWN ​

CARE​

AUTHOR UNKNOWN​

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
​

 

[BrightBlessings]

God created Dog and Cat

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome
here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and
who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and
who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration..'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . ..

And Dog was happy. . .

And...............Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other...

 

[arkhi]

My mom thinks "lol" means "lots of love"

She texted me : "Your Grandma had just died LOL"

 

[lorddenis]

An elderly(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.



​

View attachment 92863
​

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.




The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.



​

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

:ar:


:ar:


:ar:


:ar:





"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile

OMG :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"From your Love line? No, from the calluses."

 

[steve-pressman]

paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "for fifteen dollars, i can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "i can see that you have no girlfriend."

"that's true," said paul.

"oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"yes," paul shamefully admitted. "that's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"from your love line? No, from the calluses."

ha ha ha :d

 

[beauparc]

The Pearly Gates

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on travellers. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'



'No, the gates'.

 

[DJROD]

The Pearly Gates

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on travellers. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'



'No, the gates'.

Messed up. I told the same joke yesterday. Just with 3 blacks instead of the Gypsies. An they delete mine. Nice to whoever deleted it.

 

[Thorsen]

Messed up. I told the same joke yesterday. Just with 3 blacks instead of the Gypsies. An they delete mine. Nice to whoever deleted it.

The gypsies don't have internet so its ok to make fun of them.....

IM just Kidding...

I am sure your joke was taken as a racial joke and was promptly removed. Racial jokes are not socially acceptable. But I see your point. this is just the same only cultural instead of racial. I don't see the difference either. If you find it offensive, click on the report button. (your joke sounds like it would be funny too btw its just not viewed as acceptable. sorry....)

 

[beauparc]

Oh Lordy! I didn't mean to upset anyone with my joke. I just thought it was funny.

If anyone is offended, then please accept my most humble apologies.

I won't post anymore.

 

[Thorsen]

Your alright beauparc. no worries. Here in the US, we don't have Gypsies. I hear they are a problem in Europe....

Edit: I thought the joke was hillarious so dont worry.

 

[DJROD]

Messed up. I told the same joke yesterday. Just with 3 blacks instead of the Gypsies. An they delete mine. Nice to whoever deleted it.

The gypsies don't have internet so its ok to make fun of them.....

IM just Kidding...

I am sure your joke was taken as a racial joke and was promptly removed. Racial jokes are not socially acceptable. But I see your point. this is just the same only cultural instead of racial. I don't see the difference either. If you find it offensive, click on the report button. (your joke sounds like it would be funny too btw its just not viewed as acceptable. sorry....)

I think it was to but. If i was white...an saying black jokes..then i think that would look bad. Or the other way around. But im black. LOL. An it was a black joke. All in fun. It was just funny how it went. Guess alot of my jokes arent allowed on here.

 

[DJROD]

Im the one that i think upset someone becuz mine was removed i mean. Not yours beauparc. You made yours tasteful. Even tho i think mine was funnier lol.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

DJ,
You don't see many of my jokes posted here as they are not very tasteful for the 98,000+ members and I respect that rule.
When you and I get together for a round of golf or a game of hoops all bets are off.
I know you can take it and I can handle it.
So, when you and I are here in 7 forums we got to keep it nice and tidy, neat and clean.
This way we can help others learn and grow while I whip your behind on the courts.:roflmao::roflmao:
You know I am white and white people can't jump!

 

[DJROD]

DJ,
You don't see many of my jokes posted here as they are not very tasteful for the 98,000+ members and I respect that rule.
When you and I get together for a round of golf or a game of hoops all bets are off.
I know you can take it and I can handle it.
So, when you and I are here in 7 forums we got to keep it nice and tidy, neat and clean.
This way we can help others learn and grow while I whip your behind on the courts.:roflmao::roflmao:
You know I am white and white people can't jump!

Hahaha. Exactly Howling. EXACTLY!!!! It wasnt even THAT untasteful. I went looking for my joke an it was gone lol. I was thinking they could of sent me a message and say No UN Tasteful jokes or something. Im gonna try another one right now...see if it stays. No Racist ones tho.

 

[DJROD]

" A man just won 5 million dollars in a lottery and came running home telling his wife " Pack your bags baby...i just hit the lottery" She goes " yeahhhhhhh where are we moving to?" He goes "No where bitch....you gotta go".

 

[Thorsen]

Be careful. I have seen people banned on here. Mods run a tight ship.....

Most of the jokes on here border on the line. it is a fine line. funny joke though Rod.