PROBLEM SOLVED!
I gotta tell ya, I have been around computers for ~30 years, and it's rare I find an issue as challenging as this one (though I do loves me a challenge).
I decided to send in the laptop for repair (power controller chip died), and got it back yesterday. Spent most of the day with a hammer and various explosives, and managed to figure out what it was.
The issue was definitely related to the Turbo Memory, but the twist was the Verizon Cellular Data card I also had installed. There was more to it though, but here is a extremely truncated summary of what I did to fix (these may not even be what finally did fix it but are the major things I remember doing):
Remove Turbo Memory card entirely
Go to BIOS, reset to defaults, turn off Cache slot, and change Wi-Fi Catcher switch to only control Bluetooth and Wi-Fi
Go to Safe Mode and remove last remnants of Turbo Memory driver in Device Manager
Remove cellular data card
Go to Safe Mode and remove last remnants of cellular card driver in Device Manager
Boot to Windows
After all that I get into Windows and suddenly I have 48 updates to install and my iPhone works again. AND no more dialog telling me my genuine copy of Windows is pirated! Hallelujah, it's a miracle!
The really funny ha ha part of all this is this issue made me break down and buy a new $2000 laptop, and now I don't need this one anymore :sarc:
Anyway thanks for all the help I appreciate it!
Jason