Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 11,840
    64-bit Windows 8.1 Pro

    For all of you cat lovers...

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  2. Posts : 281
    Windows 7 Pro 64bit SP1

    I think this is the old Scot's brother.
    Jokes Thread 2 Attached Images Jokes Thread 2-upyrkilt.1jpg.jpg 
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  3. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit

    On the PA system:

    'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have husband down.'

    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
    The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
    'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
    'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
    What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
    'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
    Attachment 100571
    Last edited by LADYPINKtomato1; 14 Dec 2010 at 22:04.
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  4. Posts : 346
    Windows 7 Pro X64

    The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled. "Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."
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  5. Posts : 11
    Windows 7 Ultimate

    smsff7 said:
    The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled.

    "Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."
    I like it very much.
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  6. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit

    This year's Darwin nominees are:

    Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
    An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

    Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
    James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

    Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:
    Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

    Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
    Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

    Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
    Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

    Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
    A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

    Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
    A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

    Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
    Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip.. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

    The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

    After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

    Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
    "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

    Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
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  7. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....

    I asked my wife,
    'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
    And that's when the fight started...

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
    And that's when the fight started...

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'
    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'
    And that's when the fight started.....

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust'
    And then the fight started..

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
    And then the fight started...
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed,
    'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started...

    I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started…

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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  8. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx

    BrightBlessings said:
    Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
    That is arguable.
    The Darwin Award can't be given to both of them. Only one was removed from the gene pool, not both
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  9. Posts : 256
    Win 7 ultimate x64 sp1

    just received from a friend in the US

    Maxine said:
    This could definitely be a solution and then we would also be with all of our friends in the same boat.

    Universal Health Care = The Solution:

    After thinking about the upcoming Universal Health Care Program, I think I have found the solution.

    I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.

    A new hip?
    Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore..

    You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc..
    Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

    So here is the solution.

    When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets

    You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives.

    Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!
    New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?

    Well bring it on.

    And who will be paying for all of this?

    The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.

    With all the seniors gathered there , it will be just like a nursing home-- only free.

    And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.
    Jokes Thread 2 Attached Images Jokes Thread 2-maxine.jpg 
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  10. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit

    It would be funny if it weren't so true!
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