New
#851
Jokes Thread 2
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New #852
Last one for tonight
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
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New #855
WEE SCOTTISH BLONDE
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
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New #856
My neighbour was banging on my front door at 3am this morning. Can you believe that? 3am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
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New #857
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
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New #858
The wife and I were sitting at home last night watching TV.
I had the remote and was enjoying myself switching back and forth between afishing channel and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!"
" You already know how to fish!"
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New #859
Queenslanders are a tough bunch and we can still have a laugh at our situation.
During our recent flood, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little
boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat
go past.
Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went
downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.
They watched as it did this a number of times.
"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream,
then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it
comes back again."
"Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum
said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."
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