Jokes Thread

[Bare Foot Kid]

Harry ang Soldier, both of those were great!

 

[Venths]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Loved it :roflmao:

 

[Venths]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Venths]

Stumbled across this

 

[Venths]

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

My addition to this:

102) Just reply with "Ha ha haa...!" for whatever they say . (One of the best way)

 

[harry5]

Read the whole message!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing.


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised.. .Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and......... ......... .......

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.....WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. ....WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over
the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and
now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

 

[Dom]

Read the whole message!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing.


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised.. .Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and......... ......... .......

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.....WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. ....WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over
the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and
now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

....................................................................
.....
......
....
:roflmao:
Didn't laugh till the end
That is a great one!

 

[Dwarf]

:roflmao:

@harry5: I sincerely hope that wasn't from personal experience.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

:roflmao:

@harry5: I sincerely hope that wasn't from personal experience.

roflmao!

 

[osholt]

What does it say below Burger King on the BK sign in Jerusalem?

Have it Yahweh.

(I hope I haven't offended anyone, if I have I didn't mean to and I apologise)

Oli

 

[D3ftOn3Z]

Here's a short one. lol.

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Why would you post something that you feel may offend some?

 

[osholt]

Why would you post something that you feel may offend some?

I know most of the people on this forum are fairly open tollerent people but I just wanted to clarify I didn't mean it as an insult to any culture or religeon, besides after reading a few of the other posts in this thread my post was down right mild.

Oli

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

My point was, regardless of what others do; why post something that may offend others.


Not just you but no one should post things that offend another.

 

[Dragonfly]

My point was, regardless of what others do; why post something that may offend others.


Not just you but no one should post things that offend another.

Folks are offended by about just about everything these days. I apologize to any Cajuns I might have offended by my only post to this thread.

Now, if I find any bald jokes here, I'm calling a mod.

 

[kronckew]

i agree with dragonfly's underlying thoughts. (except the bit about cajuns who DO have a sense of humour about themselves* and the bald jokes). if you don't offend somebody every day, you are not doing your job.

there are enough sheeple in the world wandering aimlessly about afraid of offending someone while the wolves gather for the feast....


*- i worked with a cajun in east texas by the name of tom hebert (that's pronounced 'ay-bear'). he was fond of telling anecdotes about his buddy gaston.

gaston was a famous hunter, and ol' tom went duck hunting with gaston one year, they took their pirogues out on the bayou to ol' gaston's favourite spot, and gaston took out his favourite two-hole shootsgun. fired at a flock of ducks and twenty of them fell at his feet. he fired again and twenty more fell. (he didn't hold with limits much) anyhow, tom was amazed and asked how he did it. gaston told him his daddy taught him how to shoot and expected that with each shell having twenty beebee, he should come back with twenty duck. well, tom hadn't hit anything yet, so he had room in his pirogue, gaston obligingly fired again. twenty ducks. he fired one last time, and tom shouted out 'AHA, only 19 that time, you missed". gaston just pointed up to a duck franticly duckin' and diven' all over the sky as he tried to avoid the last beebee. gaston said 'just wait a second'.

 

[starwolf1336]

Guess i'll keep most of my stuff for my sarcasm group XD

 

[harry5]

A gentleman on a plane is desperate for the toilet. He asks a passing stewardess where the toilets are, she says "the men's is currently unavailable but if you are unable to hold it you may use the ladies but I implore you not to touch any of the buttons on the wall".

The man agrees and eagerly heads for the ladies room. As he sits down he takes a look around and notices the ladies is much nicer than the men's, He spots the buttons on the wall he was told not to touch. He decided it can't do any harm and pushes the button marked "WJ" and gets a blast of cold water all over the arse, next he pushes the button marked "TP" and gets talcum powder dabbed onto his butt cheeks.

Feeling quite good by now he decides to push the buton marked "ATR" and passes out...

He wakes up a few hours later in a daze, looking around he ses he is in hospital and doesn't know why. The nurse walks in and he asks her "why am I here?" she replies,
"You pushed the button labelled ATR, that stands for "automatic tampon remover". "your penis is under your pllow and your balls are in a bucket under the bed"

 

[Dom]

A gentleman on a plane is desperate for the toilet. He asks a passing stewardess where the toilets are, she says "the men's is currently unavailable but if you are unable to hold it you may use the ladies but I implore you not to touch any of the buttons on the wall".

The man agrees and eagerly heads for the ladies room. As he sits down he takes a look around and notices the ladies is much nicer than the men's, He spots the buttons on the wall he was told not to touch. He decided it can't do any harm and pushes the button marked "WJ" and gets a blast of cold water all over the arse, next he pushes the button marked "TP" and gets talcum powder dabbed onto his butt cheeks.

Feeling quite good by now he decides to push the buton marked "ATR" and passes out...

He wakes up a few hours later in a daze, looking around he ses he is in hospital and doesn't know why. The nurse walks in and he asks her "why am I here?" she replies,
"You pushed the button labelled ATR, that stands for "automatic tampon remover". "your penis is under your pllow and your balls are in a bucket under the bed"

:roflmao: :roflmao:

 

[starwolf1336]

ATR.....wow that must have really sucked.