Jokes Thread

[MattRainier]

:roflmao:

 

[harry5]

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!



When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up, what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... in the snow … BOTH ways --- Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that.. I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-*******s!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

 

[tw33k]

:roflmao:..those were, indeed, the days

 

[Kipper]

[FONT=&quot]A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Again he asked for his free sex.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”[/FONT]

 

[starwolf1336]

HAHA, nice one Kipper

 

[harry5]

Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

 

[CarlTR6]

 

[Dark Nova Gamer]

Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

Ha!

 

[starwolf1336]

Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

I somehow dont get it. So he tells the boy that the man's daughter is pregnant from the boy's brother. So what does the bull and pig have to do with it?

 

[CarlTR6]

LOL. You aren't a farm boy, are you?

 

[noobvious]

Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

I somehow dont get it. So he tells the boy that the man's daughter is pregnant from the boy's brother. So what does the bull and pig have to do with it?

LOL. You aren't a farm boy, are you?

Apparently not! Or, for that matter, a fan of horse racing...(hint for starwolf....how do retired racehorses continue to make money for their owners?)

 

[johnwillyums]

I suspect starwolf is better off not knowing what farm boys get up to on those long lonely evenings

Anyway here's my joke-

Paddy goes for a job on a building site.
While he's waiting to be interviewed the other workers tell him that the boss is a bigot who hates the Irish and thinks they're all thick and stupid.
They tell him the boss will try and catch him out with trick questions.
Paddy goes in to see the boss and, after the preliminaries,the boss starts asking questions.
boss: "This is a tough job Paddy. I need to know you know your stuff. What's the difference between a joist and a girder?"
Paddy: "Oh sure, that's easy. Joyce wrote Ulysses, Goethe wrote Faust"

 

[CarlTR6]

 

[Arc]

I suspect starwolf is better off not knowing what farm boys get up to on those long lonely evenings

Anyway here's my joke-

Paddy goes for a job on a building site.
While he's waiting to be interviewed the other workers tell him that the boss is a bigot who hates the Irish and thinks they're all thick and stupid.
They tell him the boss will try and catch him out with trick questions.
Paddy goes in to see the boss and, after the preliminaries,the boss starts asking questions.
boss: "This is a tough job Paddy. I need to know you know your stuff. What's the difference between a joist and a girder?"
Paddy: "Oh sure, that's easy. Joyce wrote Ulysses, Goethe wrote Faust"

 

[starwolf1336]

Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

I somehow dont get it. So he tells the boy that the man's daughter is pregnant from the boy's brother. So what does the bull and pig have to do with it?

LOL. You aren't a farm boy, are you?

Apparently not! Or, for that matter, a fan of horse racing...(hint for starwolf....how do retired racehorses continue to make money for their owners?)

sell them as pets? Put them down? i have no idea

 

[harry5]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of 12 year old scotch. A drunk at the end of the bar lifts his head and looks at the guy. Bartender pours a glass of cheap scotch out of the drink well and gives it to the guy. He tastes it and says “This is some of your rot gut from your cheap stuff. I said 12 years old.” He now has the drunk’s full attention. The bartender pours a glass of Johnny Walker and gives it to the guy. He sips it and says “This is better but I think its Johnny Walker Red and that is not 12 years old.” The drunk is now totally amazed. Bartender pours a glass of Glenfiddich. The guy tastes it and says “Now that’s a good scotch. Glenfiddich 12 years old.” The drunk says “Hey buddy try shum a thish.” and slides a glass to the guy. He takes a sip. “Oh man! That tastes like piss!” “Hey thash purty ghoud” the drunk says………”How old am I?”

 

[MattRainier]

sell them as pets? Put them down? i have no idea

HAHA, this is almost as funny as the joke.

 

[derekimo]

I somehow dont get it. So he tells the boy that the man's daughter is pregnant from the boy's brother. So what does the bull and pig have to do with it?

LOL. You aren't a farm boy, are you?

Apparently not! Or, for that matter, a fan of horse racing...(hint for starwolf....how do retired racehorses continue to make money for their owners?)

sell them as pets? Put them down? i have no idea

They become valuable by passing on their genes, They're gigolo's.

 

[CarlTR6]

I somehow dont get it. So he tells the boy that the man's daughter is pregnant from the boy's brother. So what does the bull and pig have to do with it?

LOL. You aren't a farm boy, are you?

Apparently not! Or, for that matter, a fan of horse racing...(hint for starwolf....how do retired racehorses continue to make money for their owners?)

sell them as pets? Put them down? i have no idea

:roflmao: :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[edrik]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of 12 year old scotch. A drunk at the end of the bar lifts his head and looks at the guy. Bartender pours a glass of cheap scotch out of the drink well and gives it to the guy. He tastes it and says “This is some of your rot gut from your cheap stuff. I said 12 years old.” He now has the drunk’s full attention. The bartender pours a glass of Johnny Walker and gives it to the guy. He sips it and says “This is better but I think its Johnny Walker Red and that is not 12 years old.” The drunk is now totally amazed. Bartender pours a glass of Glenfiddich. The guy tastes it and says “Now that’s a good scotch. Glenfiddich 12 years old.” The drunk says “Hey buddy try shum a thish.” and slides a glass to the guy. He takes a sip. “Oh man! That tastes like piss!” “Hey thash purty ghoud” the drunk says………”How old am I?”

LOL !! hahahaha xD

okay I got one too


A man that survived a plane crash got stranded on an island and has been living there for several months, time came and he felt his "needs" and since there's no one else living on the island he had his eyes set on a camel he found on the island. But his problems only got worse because he cant reach for the camel's (you know...) so what he did is he took a stool and tried again to put it in but the camel keeps on moving away, he tries it again... but again the camel moved away. Days went past, he still cant get the camel.. but one fateful night another plane crashed on the island so the man went around to see if there were any survivors. From afar he saw someone trying to swim towards the island so he dived into the water to lend that person a hand and when he reached the survivor, he found out that it was a woman.
The man is in LUCK!!
So the woman said, "Thank you, in return for saving my life you can do anything you want to me".
The man replied, "REALLY ?!?!"
The woman blushed and answered, "Yes.. tell me anything I'll do anything for you"
The man said, "Okay then, come with me..."
So the man grabbed the woman by her hand and went towards his tent.
The man said, "Can you hold this camel still? It keeps on moving everytime i try to put it in"