Jokes Thread 2

[The Howling Wolves]

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-


1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.


5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.


7) Failed to think rationally, and


8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!

 

[Kari]

No further testing was considered necessary!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[lorddenis]

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-


1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.


5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.


7) Failed to think rationally, and


8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-


1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.


5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.


7) Failed to think rationally, and


8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!

LMAO! :shock:

 

[Joan Archer]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put..
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

 

[beauparc]

"Morning Sex"


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[Imperfect1]

Just discovered this thread (believe it or not ) and I have to tell ya, you all have a great funny bone! Keep em coming --- they're great!

 

[DocBrown]

Just discovered this thread (believe it or not ) and I have to tell ya, you all have a great funny bone! Keep em coming --- they're great!

I thought that you would like to hear this from me and not from someone else.

I know what you are probably thinking.

This is supposed to be a secret, but the truth will eventually come out.....
Please don't think that I am gossiping.
Anyway guess who is coming very shortly ?


Scroll down……………………………..



:ar:



:ar:



:ar:

rb:​

Gotcha!!!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:​

Now get on with your work!!!

 

[profdlp]

:shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Santa really gets around!
​

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Santa is getting in shape for the hard task ahead.....0

Get down Big Boy.........Get Down..

 

[Borg 386]

The Navy Chief noticed a new sailor on board his ship and barked at him "Get over here Sailor. What's your name?'

"John" the new seaman replied.

The Navy Chief frowned and said:

"Look son, I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching you sailors at boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in authority!"

"I refer to sailors by their last names, Smith, Jones, whatever. And you are to refer to me as Chief!. Do I make myself clear sailor?!"

The sailor responded "Aye Aye Chief!"

"Okay" the Chief responded, "Now that we have that clear, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed, "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief"

There was a momentary silence. Finally The Navy Chief said "Okay John, here's what I want you to do....."

 

[evil c]

A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said £20.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty rough stuff."

The woman thought about this, but eventually decided that at the price she had to have the bird anyway. So she took it home, hung the parrot's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The parrot looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam!"

The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, it could be worse."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls!"

The girls were also a bit offended by the parrot’s comments, but then they began to laugh, considering how and where it had been living for the past twenty years.

A few minutes later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

 

[A Guy]

A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said £20.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty rough stuff."

The woman thought about this, but eventually decided that at the price she had to have the bird anyway. So she took it home, hung the parrot's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The parrot looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam!"

The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, it could be worse."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls!"

The girls were also a bit offended by the parrot’s comments, but then they began to laugh, considering how and where it had been living for the past twenty years.

A few minutes later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

LOL! :roflmao:

A Guy

 

[CarlTR6]

Beer contains female hormones!

:roflmao:

 

[BrightBlessings]

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds

to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief

and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches

out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,

followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,

this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

"We'll have a new one."

 

[Phone Man]

A Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer and a Microsoft Engineer were driving to a meeting when there vehicle stopped running. The Mechanical Engineer checked the car and said it was fine. The Electrical Engineer checked it also and found nothing wrong. The Microsoft Engineer closed all the Windows, got out of the car, got back in the car then opened all the Windows and the car started and away they went.

Jim

 

[Phone Man]

What's sad about 5 Lawyers going over a cliff in a 1956 Buick.







The Buick seats 6.

Jim

 

[Trucidation]

"We'll have a new one."

:shock: Oh lawd, eww

 

[lorddenis]

A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said £20.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty rough stuff."

The woman thought about this, but eventually decided that at the price she had to have the bird anyway. So she took it home, hung the parrot's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The parrot looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam!"

The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, it could be worse."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls!"

The girls were also a bit offended by the parrot’s comments, but then they began to laugh, considering how and where it had been living for the past twenty years.

A few minutes later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

:roflmao::roflmao: