Jokes Thread 2

[The Howling Wolves]

Older gentleman to younger gentleman, "I have forgotten more than you have learned in your entire life time.......what were we discussing?"

Mike,
Weren't we discussing the Fax's of Life?

 

[Chilidawg]

I am sooooo gonna use that bi-sacksual thing the next time I'm in the grocery store.

 

[BugMeister]

- Why, it seems like only yesterday..

- what does?

Tuesday..


NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..

 

[Hopalong X]

Older gentleman to younger gentleman, "I have forgotten more than you have learned in your entire life time.......what were we discussing?"

Mike,
Weren't we discussing the Fax's of Life?

Let me check my mimeograph.

 

[Hopalong X]

- Why, it seems like only yesterday..

- what does?

Tuesday..


NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..

Good thing it is Wednesday! :shock:

 

[smsff7]

- Why, it seems like only yesterday..

- what does?

Tuesday..


NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..

Good thing it is Wednesday! :shock:

It is about 30 min till, for me

 

[BugMeister]

:roflmao:

 

[Hopalong X]

Now that it is Thursday everyone can come back next week on Wednesday so the joke Bugmeister posted makes sense.

 

[Dwarf]

It's still Wednesday for me, so it must be for you as well, seeing as though you are 6hrs behind me (2pm BST - 8am your time).

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92
year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex... he could also fly.'

 

[djl47]

An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help but notice how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,

"Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."

Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read:

"Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

 

[wilywombat]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party....

 

[wilywombat]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

 

[Martin Dendev]

Q: How do you make Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez sing the same note?

A: Shoot Justin and put some voice editing on Selena.

 

[djl47]

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

 

[andsome]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

[Dinesh]

Good one andsome. :roflmao:

 

[seavixen32]

The best one-liner (subjective, I know) at the Edinburgh Fringe this year was the one about the rookie computer user who was asked to create a user-account password with eight characters.

He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!

 

[panais]

The best one-liner (subjective, I know) at the Edinburgh Fringe this year was the one about the rookie computer user who was asked to create a user-account password with eight characters.

He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!

Clever boy!

 

[panais]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied,"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

I love that part,

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

:roflmao: