Jokes Thread

[CoolioG]

IMHO, all the bureaucrats just spout bureaucrap. It's all the same.

That's why I love watching Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

Diapers and Politicians need to be watched. Both for the same reason.

Colbert Nation UNITE!

 

[Sinclair]

Computer redneck

Yaa might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if.......

If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.

Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.

Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money.

Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.

Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.

Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.

Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.

Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.

Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.

Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.

Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.

Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.

Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.

Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.

Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom's

Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.

When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.

Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk

Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.

Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.

Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.

When ya tern yer computer on ya say "Come OOOOOOON Betsy".

Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.

Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.

Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.

Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.

Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.

Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.

Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.

Ya give Derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.

Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer".

Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.

Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.

Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.

Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.

Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.

Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous"

Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free"

Ya Think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.

Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.

Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady.

Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.

Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.

Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.

Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.

Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.

Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.

Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.

Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.

Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.

You's in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply "My momma"

You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.

 

[sergiogarcia9]

:roflmao: :roflmao:

 

[Jonathan_King]

Okay, so I'm redneck, but not that redneck.

Good one.

 

[pacinitaly]

little johnny joke:



A Congressman was seated next to a little johnny on the
airplane when he turned to him and said, 'Let's talk.
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little guy who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman.
'How about global warming or universal health care,' as he smiles smugly.
OK,' he said. 'Those could be interesting topics.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?'
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little johnny's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little johnny replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when
you don't know $h!t?

 

[Kari]

Good one, Pacinitaly!

Our house yesterday:

Angie: 'Can't you throw this junk away?', pointing a corner in my study where some pre-historical computers collect dust.

Me: 'Careful, honey! Those are worth quite a lot, collectors items each and everyone!'

Angie: 'Yes, of course. Next collect is Tuesday, don't forget to put those in the container before that!'

 

[Tews]

Good one, Pacinitaly!

Our house yesterday:

Angie: 'Can't you throw this junk away?', pointing a corner in my study where some pre-historical computers collect dust.

Me: 'Careful, honey! Those are worth quite a lot, collectors items each and everyone!'

Angie: 'Yes, of course. Next collect is Tuesday, don't forget to put those in the container before that!'

:roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Hello Kari.



She has a quick wit.

 

[Jonathan_King]

Good one, Pacinitaly!

Our house yesterday:

Angie: 'Can't you throw this junk away?', pointing a corner in my study where some pre-historical computers collect dust.

Me: 'Careful, honey! Those are worth quite a lot, collectors items each and everyone!'

Angie: 'Yes, of course. Next collect is Tuesday, don't forget to put those in the container before that!'

Good one Kari.

 

[sergiogarcia9]

Good one, Pacinitaly!

Our house yesterday:

Angie: 'Can't you throw this junk away?', pointing a corner in my study where some pre-historical computers collect dust.

Me: 'Careful, honey! Those are worth quite a lot, collectors items each and everyone!'

Angie: 'Yes, of course. Next collect is Tuesday, don't forget to put those in the container before that!'

:roflmao:

Good one

 

[myzr7]

Only three doors An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[kronckew]

Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Tom didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Tom hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! – there sat Tom! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to you?'

Tom replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Tom said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Tom didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Tom hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! – there sat Tom! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to you?'

Tom replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Tom said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!

I like this one!

 

[derekimo]

Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Tom didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Tom hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! – there sat Tom! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to you?'

Tom replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Tom said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!

:roflmao: Good One!

 

[MrEd]

Good one, Pacinitaly!

Our house yesterday:

Angie: 'Can't you throw this junk away?', pointing a corner in my study where some pre-historical computers collect dust.

Me: 'Careful, honey! Those are worth quite a lot, collectors items each and everyone!'

Angie: 'Yes, of course. Next collect is Tuesday, don't forget to put those in the container before that!'

I feel...I have a stack myself that I get bitched at for a a regular basis lol

"But I might need something out of it honey, this way it's all in one place and I know where to find it!"

Just like my dresser...DON'T touch it! I know where everything is

 

[Codie]

A gentleman on a plane is desperate for the toilet. He asks a passing stewardess where the toilets are, she says "the men's is currently unavailable but if you are unable to hold it you may use the ladies but I implore you not to touch any of the buttons on the wall".

The man agrees and eagerly heads for the ladies room. As he sits down he takes a look around and notices the ladies is much nicer than the men's, He spots the buttons on the wall he was told not to touch. He decided it can't do any harm and pushes the button marked "WJ" and gets a blast of cold water from the arse, next he pushes the button marked "TP" and gets talcum powder dabbed onto his butt cheeks.

Feeling quite good by now he decides to push the buton marked "ATR" and passes out...

He wakes up a few hours later in a daze, looking around he ses he is in hospital and doesn't know why. The nurse walks in and he asks her "why am I here?" she replies,
"You pushed the button labelled ATR, that stands for "automatic tampon remover". "your penis is under your pllow and your balls are in a bucket under the bed"

 

[D3ftOn3Z]

-Lost in the Middle of Nowhere-


One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down.

They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

" In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

 

[D3ftOn3Z]

- Coffee Dilemma -


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

 

[D3ftOn3Z]

- You've Got Mail -


A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

 

[madtownidiot]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.

2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.