Bank Letter
98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three 'nanoseconds' must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been
in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check,
addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it
is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
Mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case
I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 thru 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the
Duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement. May I wish you a
happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIORS!
Barbara
