Jokes Thread

[rsvr85]

This is serious. Please BEWARE!


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tesco's for a bit of shopping resulted in the following...... Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their boobs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another Tesco, in this case the one in Cleckheaton. You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely in the buff. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, trying to kiss you and touch you intimately, thrusting herself against you. While the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, 6th,10th and twice yesterday.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better.



Take Care

 

[rsvr85]

[FONT=&quot]T[/FONT][FONT=&quot]he Dole Office[/FONT][FONT=&quot].

A long haired Maori walked into the W'h'anganui Dole office to pick up his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

The girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.'
'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to
say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive..[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc...
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year. '[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


The Maori wide-eyed, said, ' You're bulls****In' me! '


The Dole office worker replied, ' Yeah, well . ......... You started it.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[starwolf1336]

[FONT=&quot]T[/FONT][FONT=&quot]he Dole Office[/FONT][FONT=&quot].

A long haired Maori walked into the W'h'anganui Dole office to pick up his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

The girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.'
'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to
say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive..[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc...
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year. '[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


The Maori wide-eyed, said, ' You're bulls****In' me! '


The Dole office worker replied, ' Yeah, well . ......... You started it.'[/FONT]

wow, that really sucked for him

 

[Zidane24]

This is serious. Please BEWARE!


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tesco's for a bit of shopping resulted in the following...... Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their boobs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another Tesco, in this case the one in Cleckheaton. You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely in the buff. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, trying to kiss you and touch you intimately, thrusting herself against you. While the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, 6th,10th and twice yesterday.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better.


Take Care

I would buy a wallet and put myself in a situation of where I would meet these young women...

lather...rinse...repeat

 

[Qdos]

A redmondneck couple walk out of the divorce court, and the woman is sobbing her eyes out so badly that her ex-husband tries to console her...

"But I'm no longer your wife" she wails...

"Nevermind" he replies... "you'll still always be my sister..." :shock:

 

[starwolf1336]

A redmondneck couple walk out of the divorce court, and the woman is sobbing her eyes out so badly that her ex-husband tries to console her...

"But I'm no longer your wife" she wails...

"Nevermind" he replies... "you'll still always be my sister..." :shock:

haha, that so wrong

 

[HughShaw]

This is jokes thread! Post your best jokes! I will start first!
​

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

I don't get it...so wiping tissue paper between your ass when taking a dump makes your ass bigger?

 

[spinifex]

This is jokes thread! Post your best jokes! I will start first! ​

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

I don't get it...so wiping tissue paper between your ass when taking a dump makes your ass bigger?

Be married to the same woman for 20 or so years and you'll understand.

 

[Sinclair]

Blonde With Strange Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

[bigseb]

Blonde With Strange Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

:roflmao:

Hectic boet

 

[echrada]

Political Madness

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel’s hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

 

[Joan Archer]

 

[Dwarf]

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

In addition to this, it should be noted that regulations require that a person (the leader) shall walk in front of the horse and sleigh, and that they should be carrying a red flag to warn other users that they may come across of their presence. He or she should also be wearing a high-visibility jacket. During the hours of poor light, such person, the horse, and the sleigh, shall have on them adequate lighting showing white to the front and red to the rear. Such lights must be visible at a minimum distance of 50yds. Again, during the hours of poor light, it is not permitted to make excessive noise - therefore the members of the party riding in the sleigh will have cards saying Jingle Jingle and Ha Ha Ha which they must show alternately.
The route that the sleigh takes must be carefully worked out, and there must be frequent stops to make sure that all members of the party (including the horse) are able to make use of the, ahem, facilities. A poop-sack shall also be fitted between the rear of the horse and the sleigh in order to catch all horsey calls of nature. This shall be cleaned out (if necessary) at each rest stop. These stops are compulsory, and there should be no more than 90 minutes between each stop. At each stop, it is advisable to change leaders, and the planning of the route shall ensure that the horse can be changed every 2 stops.
A weight limit will also apply, and members of the party are required to carry cards showing their weights in Kg. When loading the sleigh, they are reminded that they should not exceed the maximum weight limit, and those members who cannot ride in the sleigh because of this are entitled to walk alongside the horse. Again, during the hours of poor light such people will be required to carry lights as described above and wear high-visibility jackets. All members of the party must take turns in this, and no member shall be required to walk, either beside the horse or as leader, for more than 2 consecutive periods.
Adequate provisions shall be made to cover the event of any emergency - the party shall have amongst its members at least 1 doctor and 1 vet. At least 1 member of said party shall also carry a fully-charged mobile phone with which they are able to summon assistance if necessary - for example, the local mobile blacksmith and farrier.
Hygiene is also very important, and all members should ensure that their hands are thoroughly washed and cleaned before commencing the journey and the horse should also have his hooves washed. This procedure should also be carried out at every rest stop.

 

[wallyinnc]

This reminded me of how many lawyers it takes to change a light bulb

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

 

[garysgold]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[MattRainier]

This reminded me of how many lawyers it takes to change a light bulb

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

I think I'm going to die...

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[pillainp]

Political Madness

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel’s hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Sir,
Re your standards for employment for animals to draw the sleigh ridden by one Mr. S. Claus, it is incumbent upon us to bring to your notice the fact that it is manifestly exclusivist, racist and discriminatory to include only one species of animal (the aforementioned reindeer) in the selected team.
Therefore I must insist that a committee be constituted to determine the employment of a racially and sexually diverse team based on the population and economic status of all eligible individuals.
Yours faithfully,

XXXXX

 

[Zidane24]

Sounds like another round of SF court

 

[Dwarf]

:devil2: Can't wait.

 

[Dwarf]

To the tune The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of the trial
The Court presented me
The Judge who'd be hearing my case


On the second day of the trial
The Court presented me
My Defence team


On the third day of the trial
The Court presented me
The Plaintiffs


On the fourth day of the trial
The Court presented me
Clerks of the Court


On the fifth day of the trial
The Court presented me
Court Security


On the sixth day of the trial
The Court presented me
The Court Ushers


On the seventh day of the trial
The Court presented me
Seven Witnesses