Jokes Thread

[Joan Archer]

 

[Dwarf]

Thanks, Joan. It's getting more and more difficult to complete the post as the numbers required go up, but don't worry, I'll get there (eventually). Keep checking!

 

[pillainp]

Two doctors are doing the rounds when a patients runs screaming down the hall past them, with a beautiful blond nurse in hot pursuit. The nurse is carrying a pan filled with boiling water,

One of the doctors says to the other, "Oh dear, Mary's got it mixed up again! I specifically told her that she was supposed to p r i c k that poor patient's boil!"

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Two doctors are doing the rounds when a patients runs screaming down the hall past them, with a beautiful blond nurse in hot pursuit. The nurse is carrying a pan filled with boiling water,

One of the doctors says to the other, "Oh dear, Mary's got it mixed up again! I specifically told her that she was supposed to p r i c k that poor patient's boil!"

:roflmao:

 

[Joan Archer]

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)







There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
A t a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.


At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UPabout UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP[FONT=Comi! c Sans MS][FONT=Comi! c Sans MS] almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP[/FONT][/FONT] to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Don't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.

Now I'll shut up

 

[Zidane24]

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)







There is a two-letter word in English that perhapshas more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
A t a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for electionand why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room,polish UP the silver, we warm UPthe leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UPthe house and some guys fix UPthe old car.


At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UPat night. We seem to be pretty mixed UPabout UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP[FONT=Comi! c Sans MS][FONT=Comi! c Sans MS] almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions [/FONT]

[FONT=Comi! c Sans MS]If you are UP[/FONT][/FONT] to it, you might try building UP a list of the many waysUP is used. It will takeUPa lot of your time,but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Don't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.

Now I'll shut up

If it was up to me...I would never want to read anything up to the word up anymore

 

[garysgold]

And with that I'm up to stoke up the stove.

 

[Tangoj]

When you take your baptist friend with you on a fishing trip, how do you keep him from drinking all your beer??

Take two baptist...

Two preachers would ride their bikes to their respective churches every sunday. On their way they would pass each other on the cross street. This sunday one of the preachers was walking instead of riding his bike. So when they met at the cross road the one asked the other "what happen to your bike?" The other replied. " Last sunday when i left church i could not find my bike, i think someone from the church stole it." The one preacher made a suggestion and said. "I'll tell you what to do, when you get on the pulpit today preach on the 10 commandments and who ever stole your bike will feel guilty and confess" Well the other preach did and the next week they meet again at the cross roads and both where riding their bikes so the one said to the other "i see it worked you found your bike" The other preacher responded..

Yeah it did. I got up preached the 10 commandments and when i got to Thou shalt not commit adultery i remembered where i left my bike.

 

[Zidane24]

When you take your baptist friend with you on a fishing trip, how do you keep him from drinking all your beer??

Take two baptist...

Two preachers would ride their bikes to their respective churches every sunday. On their way they would pass each other on the cross street. This sunday one of the preachers was walking instead of riding his bike. So when they met at the cross road the one asked the other "what happen to your bike?" The other replied. " Last sunday when i left church i could not find my bike, i think someone from the church stole it." The one preacher made a suggestion and said. "I'll tell you what to do, when you get on the pulpit today preach on the 10 commandments and who ever stole your bike will feel guilty and confess" Well the other preach did and the next week they meet again at the cross roads and both where riding their bikes so the one said to the other "i see it worked you found your bike" The other preacher responded..

Yeah it did. I got up preached the 10 commandments and when i got to Thou shalt not commit adultery i remembered where i left my bike.

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[starwolf1336]

Yeah it did. I got up preached the 10 commandments and when i got to Thou shalt not commit adultery i remembered where i left my bike.

HAHA, that was great

 

[garysgold]

:roflmao:


Good one Tangoj and welcome to 7 Forums.

Gary

 

[Qdos]

Irish guys doing a crossword...

Paddy has been tackling the crossword in the Dublin Herald, and after spending all day at it he's stumped on just a single clue. Not to be thwarted from a possible prize of three hundred euros, and one blank answer standing in his way, he decides to call his mate, Murphy, for help...

Murphy hears the phone ring, and answers, hearing Paddy on the other end, who asks him... "what's the crossword answer... two words, first word six letters... second word seven letters... and the clue is this..." there's a short pause whilst Paddy clears his throat... "clue is this Murphy" repeats Paddy... "a flightless bird from Iceland... first word six letters, second word seven letters..."

After a pause of some considerable time Paddy hears Murphy announce... "that's easy..."

"The answer has got to be 'frozen chicken' mate..."


(If you don't get it go here LOL...)

 

[Kari]

This should be told with a heavy Irish accent:

A wealthy British gentleman drives his Bentley along a small and quiet road near Liverpool. Paddy has come from Ireland with a ferry to Liverpool and is now walking, trying to hitch-hike to London to see his brother.

The gentleman sees Paddy and thinks this road is so quiet that man is never getting a ride, here's no traffic. So as a real philanthropist he stops and gives Paddy a ride.

After some introductions Paddy asks "How'd you get this nice car?"
The gentleman: "I work for Cunard as a manager, they pay me quite well."
Paddy: "I've worked f***'n'ard all my life and still can't afford a Bentley!"

 

[chuckr]

This should be told with a heavy Irish accent:

A wealthy British gentleman drives his Bentley along a small and quiet road near Liverpool. Paddy has come from Ireland with a ferry to Liverpool and is now walking, trying to hitch-hike to London to see his brother.

The gentleman sees Paddy and thinks this road is so quiet that man is never getting a ride, here's no traffic. So as a real philanthropist he stops and gives Paddy a ride.

After some introductions Paddy asks "How'd you get this nice car?"
The gentleman: "I work for Cunard as a manager, they pay me quite well."

Paddy: "I've worked f***n' 'ard all my life and still can't afford a Bentley!"

Good one, Kari...

:roflmao:

 

[wwpauljd]

two guys walking in the woods when they see a bear approaching them. One of the guys quickly gets a pair of sneakers out of his backpack and puts them on as quickly as he can. The other guys says - "what are you doin man????!! You're never gonna outrun a bear!"
the other guy replies-"I don't have to outrun the bear, I have to outrun you."

 

[Fluffy]

two guys walking in the woods when they see a bear approaching them. One of the guys quickly gets a pair of sneakers out of his backpack and puts them on as quickly as he can. The other guys says - "what are you doin man????!! You're never gonna outrun a bear!"
the other guy replies-"I don't have to outrun the bear, I have to outrun you."

Heard that one before.

 

[Dwarf]

Along a similar line.

A man, who is a none-believer, is walking through the woods one day when suddenly he hears an almighty roar. He stops dead in his tracks, turns around, and about 100yds away he can see a huge bear coming towards him. The man is fearful for his life. Although he is an atheist, he asks God for help.

Closing his eyes he says "Oh God, I am not a Christian and do not believe in you, but can you make the bear believe?" God answers "I am God, and I can achieve anything I want." The man replies "Thank you, God."

The man opens his eyes and looks again at the bear who has also stopped in his tracks. By this time, they are only 10yds apart. The bear rises up on his hind legs, puts his front paws together and says "Dear God. For the food which I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful. Amen."

 

[Qdos]

Brer Bear and Brer Rabbit were out for a walk in the woods.

Upon passing a huge pile of dung Brer Bear began scratching his chin, and pondering something - he turned to Brer Rabbit and asked him... 'when you take a dump my friend, does the 54it stick to your fur?'

'No, never...' replies Brer Rabbit.

The look on the rabbits face was priceless as Brer Bear picked him up and used him to wipe his butt with...

 

[starwolf1336]

Brer Bear and Brer Rabbit were out for a walk in the woods.

Upon passing a huge pile of dung Brer Bear began scratching his chin, and pondering something - he turned to Brer Rabbit and asked him... 'when you take a dump my friend, does the 54it stick to your fur?'

'No, never...' replies Brer Rabbit.

The look on the rabbits face was priceless as Brer Bear picked him up and used him to wipe his butt with...

haha, just wrong

 

[Joan Archer]

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:

* SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.



* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.



* FIFTH PLACE *

Goes to Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house, because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days, and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company, claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more.


* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for, because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite, because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.




* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania wins, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.




* FIRST PLACE

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

​

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.​