Jokes Thread

[Bumpus]

ok, I'll say it.
This is bull$$hit!

snopes.com: Stella Awards

Let this be an example for all.

IF YOU GET EMAILS LIKE THIS, DO YOUR FRIENDS A FAVOR:
DON'T FORWARD THEM!!!

 

[wallyinnc]

I think it is just supposed to be funny.

 

[patio]

Using Snopes as a final say so is irrelevant....1/2 of their articles are not even researched properly...

Caveat Emptor.

 

[Bumpus]

I think it is just supposed to be funny.

Your right, it is.
Repeating things like this that aren't true is a pet peeve of mine. Besides, reality is squirrelly enough...why exagerate?

ok, meds are kicking in...feeling better now.

 

[John Ulbricht]

With apologies to Star Trek .. I found this in my browsing ..... You just have to laugh

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers...
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

 

[Kari]

:roflmao:

 

[Dinesh]

This is jokes thread! Post your best jokes! I will start first! ​

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

I don't get it...so wiping tissue paper between your ass when taking a dump makes your ass bigger?

Be married to the same woman for 20 or so years and you'll understand.

:roflmao:

 

[Fluffy]

Love the star trek one, priceless

 

[Edster]

One day, I was walking in the woods, when I came across a beanstalk. So naturally I started to climb.

As I was climbing the beanstalk, I stopped climbing and noticed a woman stood on the leaf. She said, "Come and have sex with me or climb higher to success". She was ugly! Breasts in the trouser pocket, she was awful!

So I climbed higher, when another woman stood on the leave. She again said, ""Come and have sex with me or climb higher to success". This woman was average, doable but you wouldn't brag about it.

So I climbed higher, when this super hot glamour model stood butt naked on the leave. She purred, ""Come and have sex with me or climb higher to success". Thinking that the next woman on the leave would be more beautiful, I climbed as fast as I could.

When I got to the next leave, an old man was stood there. "Who the hell are you?" I said.
"My name is Cess"

 

[starwolf1336]

One day, I was walking in the woods, when I came across a beanstalk. So naturally I started to climb.

As I was climbing the beanstalk, I stopped climbing and noticed a woman stood on the leaf. She said, "Come and have sex with me or climb higher to success". She was ugly! Breasts in the trouser pocket, she was awful!

So I climbed higher, when another woman stood on the leave. She again said, ""Come and have sex with me or climb higher to success". This woman was average, doable but you wouldn't brag about it.

So I climbed higher, when this super hot glamour model stood butt naked on the leave. She purred, ""Come and have sex with me or climb higher to success". Thinking that the next woman on the leave would be more beautiful, I climbed as fast as I could.

When I got to the next leave, an old man was stood there. "Who the hell are you?" I said.
"My name is Cess"

HAHA, EW, didnt see that one coming

 

[patio]

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - heck no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!





AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

....

 

[Fluffy]

Thats about right lol

 

[johnwillyums]

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa:devil:

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Don't ask me, I don't know how it is done!

 

[patio]

Who's your Best Friend ? ?

Lock your Dog and your Spouse in the trunk of the car...wait 1 hour and open the trunk and find out which one is happy to see you...

 

[garysgold]

Well, OK, but I'm only lettin' the happy one out.

:roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Don't ask me, I don't know how it is done!

View attachment 43777

That is pretty cool.

Who's your Best Friend ? ?

Lock your Dog and your Spouse in the trunk of the car...wait 1 hour and open the trunk and find out which one is happy to see you...

Well, OK, but I'm only lettin' the happy one out.

:roflmao:

I'm with you Gary!

 

[Qdos]

I just found this, and thought it was hilarious...

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

I just found this, and thought it was hilarious...

:roflmao:

 

[echrada]

A couple, both 77, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid