Jokes Thread

[Bare Foot Kid]

I like it.

Remember it is only a joke.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the

following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman


One month later the following things have occurred -

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a

menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is

cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long

look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions,

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant

and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply

employees for their stores.


The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because

the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature

of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of

fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees

make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her

opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with

her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a

distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets

sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they've

satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

 

[Kari]

I like it.

Me too. But there's a mistake: That one woman was not American! I know her, she's from Finland. I was married to her way back in the 80's.

Kari

 

[jfar]

I like it.

Me too. But there's a mistake: That woman was not American! I know her, she's from Finland. I was married to her way back in the 80's.

Kari

:roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

I like it.

Me too. But there's a mistake: That one woman was not American! I know her, she's from Finland. I was married to her way back in the 80's.

Kari

So you were married to her also? :shock:

 

[Zidane24]

I like it.

Me too. But there's a mistake: That one woman was not American! I know her, she's from Finland. I was married to her way back in the 80's.

Kari

So you were married to her also? :shock:

View attachment 47384

Thanks BFK...

I will now have nightmares

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

My pleasure mate! :roflmao:

 

[Kari]

47384[/ATTACH]

Yes. I can still remember the wedding. It was only my second marriage so I was still a bit unexperienced, I did not know if I should give some money to the priest who wed us.

So after the ceremony I asked him how much i owe. He said it's up to me, how do I feel about the marriage and my newly wedded wife. I looked at my wife quite a long, turned back to the priest and gave him 50 Finnish Marks (about 9 Euro todays money).

The priest looked at my new wife, turned back to me and gave me 35 Marks back.

 

[Zidane24]

47384[/ATTACH]

Yes. I can still remember the wedding. It was only my second marriage so I was still a bit unexperienced, I did not know if I should give some money to the priest who wed us.

So after the ceremony I asked him how much i owe. He said it's up to me, how do I feel about the marriage and my newly wedded wife. I looked at my wife quite a long, turned back to the priest and gave him 50 Finnish Marks (about 9 Euro todays money).

The priest looked at my new wife, turned back to me and gave me 35 Marks back.

I remeber hearing you tell that story a while ago Kari and it still cracks me up :roflmao:

 

[CoolioG]

Creationism LOL

Bill Gates picks his own punishment

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

 

[Coolness]

Watch out, BFK wont like this (and i neither do i, you should reason with someone who's belifes are strange to you, not just laugh at them)

 

[zigzag3143]

• There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
• If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
• I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly
• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
• Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
• In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
• Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk
• I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
• The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX
• A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
• Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
• A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
• The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
• UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity

 

[Coolness]

• There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
• If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
• I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly
• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
• Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
• In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
• Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk
• I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
• The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX
• A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
• Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
• A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
• The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
• UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity

luv it!

 

[CoolioG]

Types of viruses

Don't know if someone has already posted this but anyways

Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

The Verizon virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for AT&T viruses.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

 

[valtonray]

had to share this with eaveryone it's from my friends facebook status
friends status-so sad my boyfriend is being deployed to haiti(her boyfriend is military, army i believe.)
response-why are we going to war with haiti? they just had an earthquake.

 

[Coolness]

had to share this with eaveryone it's from my friends facebook status
friends status-so sad my boyfriend is being deployed to haiti(her boyfriend is military, army i believe.)
response-why are we going to war with haiti? they just had an earthquake.

You shouldnt make fun of it, but ROFLMAO

 

[CoolioG]

had to share this with eaveryone it's from my friends facebook status
friends status-so sad my boyfriend is being deployed to haiti(her boyfriend is military, army i believe.)
response-why are we going to war with haiti? they just had an earthquake.

HA!

No joke, my friend posted this as his status once:

I had no fun at ???'s party. I didn't do anything illegal, dangerous, or even stupid!

My other friend then posted:

Well, you could try jumping off boat going 50.

The sad part: My friend did jump off a boat, while it was going 30.

 

[Venths]

Wife: 'What are you doing?

Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' ا

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'


**********************************************************

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'
**********************************************************
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?' ا

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'




Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

 

[patio]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You'reNOTmy flight instructor?'

 

[derekimo]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You'reNOTmy flight instructor?'

:roflmao:

 

[Coolness]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You'reNOTmy flight instructor?'

:roflmao:

:roflmao::roflmao: