Jokes Thread

[DocBrown]

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in Texas!

 

[Kari]

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

...

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in Texas!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[derekimo]

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in Texas!

That was great Doc. :roflmao:

 

[starwolf1336]

ahhh, what snakes wont do for Jack

 

[Arc]

:drool:

 

[Fantail]

Black or Green label?

 

[North Antri]

God said 'And let there be light!'

Chuck Norris said 'Say Please!'

 

[harry5]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.[FONT=!] [/FONT]




However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get' em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME!!!"

Meet Coldwater.

 

[starwolf1336]

HAHA, OMG, that was a good one Harry5

 

[noobvious]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area ofWest Virginia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.




However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME!!!"

Meet Coldwater.

HAHA, OMG, that was a good one Harry5

They say dogs' mouths are very clean, don't they? :roflmao:

 

[harry5]

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars".

"Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

 

[steve-pressman]

Thought I would share this with you Guys

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over..

John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear to stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little shit.

 

[Kari]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over..

John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear to stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little shit.

that's a good one!

A true story: You have not a clue how often in these past 20 years I've told a client the problem was so called RTFM error.

They accept it, and normally don't ask what it means. Only a couple of times I've told it means
Read The F***ing Manual!

But this ID ten T is new, I'm going to use it!

 

[derekimo]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over..

John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear to stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little shit.

That's great!:roflmao:

 

[MattRainier]

I've heard a similar one, except there's two more variations. Usually, it's a 'pebkac' issue - "Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair" - or an m-zero-r-zero-n problem.

M0r0n.

 

[patio]

A new supermarket opened in Davenport, Iowa . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
>
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
>
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
>
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
>
>I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

 

[derekimo]

A new supermarket opened in Davenport, Iowa . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
>
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
>
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
>
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
>
>I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[pillainp]

Should I Buy an iPad?


A flow chart to help you decide (its a link, people).

 

[wallyinnc]

Should I Buy an iPad?


A flow chart to help you decide (its a link, people).

:roflmao:

 

[Thorsen]

I've heard a similar one, except there's two more variations. Usually, it's a 'pebkac' issue - "Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair" - or an m-zero-r-zero-n problem.

M0r0n.

Another on is PICNIC Problem In Chair Not In Computer