Jokes Thread

[elsuirad]

SORRY...

I would like to make an apology to the Admin and Mods on my last post here on this thread. I know it's not good to do that, and it was my mistake.

Again sorry and thanks for the reminder.

 

[Jonathan_King]

I would like to make an apology to the Admin and Mods on my last post here on this thread. I know it's not good to do that, and it was my mistake.

Again sorry and thanks for the reminder.

No worries. The goal is to not do it again, not go about feeling bad about it.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

My Hero!

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background,
and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”

 

[Kari]

My Hero!

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well, I'm fortunate to be interested in a chemistry,
and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”

:roflmao:
A shame I can not rep you! I'm going to use this answer every time someone asks what do I do now when retired.

Do I have your permission to change some words (my version in red), for that statement to be more truthful?

 

[The Howling Wolves]

My Hero!

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well, I'm fortunate to be interested in a chemistry,
and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”

:roflmao:
A shame I can not rep you! I'm going to use this answer every time someone asks what do I do now when retired.

Do I have your permission to change some words (my version in red), for that statement to be more truthful?

Kari,
You have my permission to do whatever you want with this joke.
Somehow I knew you would be one of the first to reply to it.
I am not looking for reps anyway.

 

[noobvious]

My Hero!

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well, I'm fortunate to be interested in a chemistry,
and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”

:roflmao:
A shame I can not rep you! I'm going to use this answer every time someone asks what do I do now when retired.

Do I have your permission to change some words (my version in red), for that statement to be more truthful?

Kari,
You have my permission to do whatever you want with this joke.
Somehow I knew you would be one of the first to reply to it.
I am not looking for reps anyway.

I heard you had been working out , Dennis....looks like all those reps paid off!

 

[derekimo]

This is how he's been doing his reps. :roflmao:

 

[noobvious]

This is how he's been doing his reps. :roflmao:

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The icon]

Listening to Love

Q. How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
A. Collect!

Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration?
A. A party line!

Q. How does a barber make phone calls?
A. He cuts them short.

Q. Why didn't the mummy want a telephone?
A. He always got too wrapped up in his calls!​

 

[The icon]

some of these makes sense !! ^_^

Q. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants?
A. Bell-bottoms!

The icon
​

 

[The Howling Wolves]

This is how he's been doing his reps. :roflmao:

Somehow, I knew Derek, that you would be posting something like this for me.
Have you been....


Keeping an eye on me?

 

[Borg 386]

Things you DON'T want to hear during sugery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness...
3. Bo! Bo!! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
8. "Damn, there go the lights again...."
9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14 .That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
24. Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!
25. I want all you interns to gather round while I try something new
26 . "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
27. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

 

[smarteyeball]

An oldie but a goodie:

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss your baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again."

 

[steve-pressman]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his p*nis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"





The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down. It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"

 

[Arc]

You are wonderful, Steve :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of twenty and fifty dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the bills?"

To his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Frozen Crabs & the Blond Stewardess



A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying
frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think

 

[CarlTR6]

Frozen Crabs & the Blond Stewardess



A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying
frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think

I love it!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 60.

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 60 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 60 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 60 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 60 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated..

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 60.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 60 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 60 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 60, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao:That is one smart guy :roflmao: