Jokes Thread

[Joan Archer]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I didn't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!

How were you able to make such an astute observation? "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

 

[CarlTR6]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute...

I love it, Tom!

 

[CarlTR6]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes ...

Hilarious; another good one!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I didn't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Good one Tom.

Y'all better watch out, you may offend some volunteer activist.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Plz don't kick me out...Enjoy !!!
THE HORTH WHITHPERER


If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?' View attachment 87785

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Dennis too funny.. surely most blonds are not like this !!!!
I'm still laughing.:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

This is great!

 

[Dwarf]

:roflmao:

Disclaimer: I am NOT the vertically-challenged individual refered to here, nor am I related to him.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Dwarf .. that's really good news.. .lol.. I hope that didn't offend you..
I'm still chuckling about the joke ..

 

[Dwarf]

Dwarf .. that's really good news.. .lol.. I hope that didn't offend you..
I'm still chuckling about the joke ..

No offense taken. The joke was a good one, but I thought that I'd better take the opportunity to clarify the situation for those who thought that it was me.

For those who still do, I'll be collecting names and asking you to stand in the corner.

 

[Dwarf]

Any victims volunteers? I've got a lovely corner waiting for you. :devil:

 

[Joan Archer]

Dennis too funny.. surely most blonds are not like this !!!!
I'm still laughing.:roflmao::roflmao:

LPt1 why is your signature upside down

 

[Dwarf]

Dennis too funny.. surely most blonds are not like this !!!!
I'm still laughing.:roflmao::roflmao:

LPt1 why is your signature upside down

See http://www.sevenforums.com/customization/85383-custom-made-sig-avatar-3-a-48.html#post865459

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Dennis too funny.. surely most blonds are not like this !!!!
I'm still laughing.:roflmao::roflmao:

LPt1 why is your signature upside down

LPt, I didn't know you went that way! :shock:

​

 

[Joan Archer]

Thanks for the link Dwarf I don't go in there, well only on the odd occasion. I didn't go further back than the page the link took me too so, it's either the sig was made that way or the joke is because LPt1 said she would be rotating her sigs

 

[Dwarf]

I've turned it the right way up for you, Ted.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

I've turned it the right way up for you, Ted.

View attachment 87806

That's rich Dwarf!

 

[Dwarf]

Thanks for the link Dwarf I don't go in there, well only on the odd occasion. I didn't go further back than the page the link took me too so, it's either the sig was made that way or the joke is because LPt1 said she would be rotating her sigs

You've got it, Joan.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Dennis too funny.. surely most blonds are not like this !!!!
I'm still laughing.:roflmao:

LPt1 why is your signature upside down

Joan hi.. one of the guys here flipped my Sig after
I said " I have so many Sigs, I would now be rotating them "..
So he rotated my Sig..
I as a joke ,decided to use it..
:roflmao: