Jokes Thread

[MattRainier]

you do realize bush isn't the president over here anymore right? other than that i think you captured him pretty well he is an idiot.

It was a coupla years ago that he sent me that - while Bush was still pres. I found it while digging through a bunch of old emails. I thought I'd throw it up just for fun.

Yeah, Bush, Obama, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy...they're all idiots back until Teddy. The last good American president.

Oh, don't get me started on politics.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Oh, don't get me started on politics.

Not a good idea as it against forum rules.

 

[Adrian]

Hillbilly

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America.....

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'​

You must now refer to them as​

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS​

And furthermore​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN. '​

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is​

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'​

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a​

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'​

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a​

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'​

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes​

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE..'​

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a​

' LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.'​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MENAND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a​

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'​

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is​

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'​

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He​

'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'​

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in​

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'​

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of​

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'​

(Loved this one!)​

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's​

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'​

 

[Adrian]

Mothers

--- The Mother of all jokes


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over
a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and
starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have
been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other..

'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily,
'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly.

'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.

'And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18,' she whispers.

'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I
remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with
tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother
looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the
right words, says . . .

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

 

[Adrian]

Hog Hunting Florida Style

Here is how we hunt for hogs in the Sunshine State!

 

[Adrian]

How to prevent Suicide Bombers!

 

[harry5]

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker
could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many
takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try
getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were
right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called
Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet
and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her
name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned
a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy
ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told
Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking
falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping her
slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked
on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty
Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?"
asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said
Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on
both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and
it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

I can't even read it at all. :shock:

 

[MattRainier]

11 hours to game start, I'm quite sure we are going to Sunday's finals by beating USA today!

HOW 'BOUT THEM FINS, HUH?

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

But really - I was looking forward to a good hockey game, not a rout... Oh well. I'll have to settle for watching USA thrash Canada again on their way to a gold.

 

[valtonray]

you do realize bush isn't the president over here anymore right? other than that i think you captured him pretty well he is an idiot.

It was a coupla years ago that he sent me that - while Bush was still pres. I found it while digging through a bunch of old emails. I thought I'd throw it up just for fun.

Yeah, Bush, Obama, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy...they're all idiots back until Teddy. The last good American president.

Oh, don't get me started on politics.

seems you know your american history. but clinton wasn't so bad. after the monica thing every little boy wanted to be president again.

 

[MattRainier]

IMHO, all the bureaucrats just spout bureaucrap. It's all the same.

That's why I love watching Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

 

[MrEd]

http://homeandhobbyhelpfulls.yolasite.com/joke-of-the-day.php

 

[MrEd]

Here is how we hunt for hogs in the Sunshine State!

HAHAHA....I have a feral cat problem. Please ship it up here for a day lol

 

[DreemWarrior]

lol

seems you know your american history. but clinton wasn't so bad. after the monica thing every little boy wanted to be president again.

hehe
I guarantee he's not the first Prez to get a hummer in the Oval Office, just the only one that got caught!
Can't say as I blame him.

"It's good to be King"(Mel Brooks)

 

[Kari]

11 hours to game start, I'm quite sure we are going to Sunday's finals by beating USA today!

HOW 'BOUT THEM FINS, HUH?

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

But really - I was looking forward to a good hockey game, not a rout... Oh well. I'll have to settle for watching USA thrash Canada again on their way to a gold.

You have every right to mock Team Finland. I have never seen that kind of game before, Finns playing so bad hockey! First half of first period, you guys had six goals and we nothing. The game was over.

Congratulations, USA. I'm sure you give us hockey fans a good Olympic final.

Kari

 

[TheSchaft]

True Southerners

1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, --you "PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15. True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

 

[MattRainier]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

I'm from North Carolina - and that last one is so true!

 

[valtonray]

1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, --you "PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15. True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

i've lived in the south most of my life and very few of these apply to me.

 

[TheSchaft]

I'm a transplanted New Yorker, and I've got to agree with most of them - except the last one. Here in Ft. Worth, that little old lady would probably get run off the road. (Second worse drivers in the country.)