Jokes Thread

[CarlTR6]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[starwolf1336]

I cant stop laughing

 

[Arc]

I cant stop laughing

Wanna see who is the first one to leave town :roflmao:
Not me, no doubt

 

[Thorsen]

related joke:

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

you can un-screw a lightbulb...

 

[Thorsen]

Whats the difference between a circus and a sorority?

One is a cunning array of stunts.

 

[Arc]

related joke:

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

you can un-screw a lightbulb...

:roflmao:

 

[beauparc]

Guy out playing golf comes to the third hole, a short par 3. He hits the ball which runs onto the green and straight into the hole for a "hole in one"

He walks up to get his ball when suddenly a genie pops out of the hole.

"Hello master, you have scored a hole in one and I will grant any one wish you may have" He thinks for a moment and says "I'd like a big dick, please" There's a bright flash and the genie is gone.

He continues his game and by the tenth hole his dick has grown and is hanging by his kneecap. By the fourteenth it's down by his ankles and by the end of the round it's hanging out the bottom of his trousers and dragging on the ground, causing him severe discomfort as it's now covered in grass and gravel.

He goes to the pro shop, gets a bucket of balls and heads back to the third tee. After hitting ball after ball for an hour or so, he finally gets another hole in one.

He walks up to the hole to get his ball and out pops the genie again.

"Hello master, you have scored a hole in one and I will grant any one wish you may have"

"Er, can I have some longer legs please!"

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

​

 

[edrik]

lol at the emai flowchart hahaha

 

[smsff7]

Cats
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

 

[Arc]

Cats
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

That's why I dont like cats

 

[starwolf1336]

haha, nice one smsff7

 

[edrik]

LOL hahah.. that is one smart cat

 

[steve-pressman]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

"We're down here ."

 

[Arc]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

"We're down here ."

Are you joking , Steve?

 

[wallyinnc]

What's Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

"We're down here ."

LMAO! :roflmao:

 

[starwolf1336]

It took me a second time to understand it, but awesome steve

 

[johnwillyums]

Quasimodo is sat at home watching tv when his mother comes into the room carrying a wok.
He says: "Oh, great mum, we having Chinese food tonight?"
She says:n: "No son, I'm just ironing you a shirt for tomorrow"

 

[Jonathan_King]

This thread sure isn't the same without harry5, is it?