Jokes Thread

[Dinesh]

These photo's are showing just before the pain begins...
.View attachment 77515
Should have been riding his Harley!

View attachment 77516
He's getting the bull by the horns. Ouch!

The 2nd incident is wayyyyyyyyy painful... :shock:

 

[Borg 386]

designated what?

A cop decides to stake out a local bar at about 1:30 AM to see if he can catch anyone trying to drive drunk, knowing full well he'll surely be successful with the parking lot full.

Sure enough, at almost 2 AM, a guy come stumbling out, falls against the building and pulls out his keys.

The cops eyes light up and he watches the guys every move.

The guy stumbles over to a car, looks at it, falls over and moves to the next car. The cop is intently watching him as he fumbles with his keys for 5 minutes to find the keyhole. Finally the guy gets in, and another 5 minutes later, the car starts and the cop instantly pulls in behind him, lights flashing.

The cop gives him a breathalyzer test, and amazingly the test comes back "0".

Thinking there's something wrong with his equipment, he pulls out another test unit and it too shows "0".

The cop then tells the man to walk a straight line, which he does perfectly.

As the cop is standing in the now empty parking lot, looking at the guy and scratching his head, the guy says to him:

"That's right, I was the designated decoy"

 

[CarlTR6]

A cop decides to stake out a local bar at about 1:30 AM to see if he can catch anyone trying to drive drunk, knowing full well he'll surely be successful with the parking lot full.

Sure enough, at almost 2 AM, a guy come stumbling out, falls against the building and pulls out his keys.

The cops eyes light up and he watches the guys every move.

The guy stumbles over to a car, looks at it, falls over and moves to the next car. The cop is intently watching him as he fumbles with his keys for 5 minutes to find the keyhole. Finally the guy gets in, and another 5 minutes later, the car starts and the cop instantly pulls in behind him, lights flashing.

The cop gives him a breathalyzer test, and amazingly the test comes back "0".

Thinking there's something wrong with his equipment, he pulls out another test unit and it too shows "0".

The cop then tells the man to walk a straight line, which he does perfectly.

As the cop is standing in the now empty parking lot, looking at the guy and scratching his head, the guy says to him:

"That's right, I was the designated decoy"

Smart thinking!!!!

 

[Jonathan_King]

A cop decides to stake out a local bar at about 1:30 AM to see if he can catch anyone trying to drive drunk, knowing full well he'll surely be successful with the parking lot full.

Sure enough, at almost 2 AM, a guy come stumbling out, falls against the building and pulls out his keys.

The cops eyes light up and he watches the guys every move.

The guy stumbles over to a car, looks at it, falls over and moves to the next car. The cop is intently watching him as he fumbles with his keys for 5 minutes to find the keyhole. Finally the guy gets in, and another 5 minutes later, the car starts and the cop instantly pulls in behind him, lights flashing.

The cop gives him a breathalyzer test, and amazingly the test comes back "0".

Thinking there's something wrong with his equipment, he pulls out another test unit and it too shows "0".

The cop then tells the man to walk a straight line, which he does perfectly.

As the cop is standing in the now empty parking lot, looking at the guy and scratching his head, the guy says to him:

"That's right, I was the designated decoy"

I like that one!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

A cop decides to stake out a local bar at about 1:30 AM to see if he can catch anyone trying to drive drunk, knowing full well he'll surely be successful with the parking lot full.

Sure enough, at almost 2 AM, a guy come stumbling out, falls against the building and pulls out his keys.

The cops eyes light up and he watches the guys every move.

The guy stumbles over to a car, looks at it, falls over and moves to the next car. The cop is intently watching him as he fumbles with his keys for 5 minutes to find the keyhole. Finally the guy gets in, and another 5 minutes later, the car starts and the cop instantly pulls in behind him, lights flashing.

The cop gives him a breathalyzer test, and amazingly the test comes back "0".

Thinking there's something wrong with his equipment, he pulls out another test unit and it too shows "0".

The cop then tells the man to walk a straight line, which he does perfectly.

As the cop is standing in the now empty parking lot, looking at the guy and scratching his head, the guy says to him:

"That's right, I was the designated decoy"

I like that one!

+1
​

 

[PooMan UK]

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in England.
These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

 

[smsff7]

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

so funny and so true

 

[Kari]

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[derekimo]

Those are great Nick! :roflmao:

 

[Jonathan_King]

What's the difference between a city zoo and a redneck zoo?

In a city zoo, there is a scientific name next to the common name. In a redneck zoo, you have the common name next to a recipe.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

What's the difference between a city zoo and a redneck zoo?

In a city zoo, there is a scientific name next to the common name. In a redneck zoo, you have the common name next to a recipe.

Plus all the animals in a redneck zoo have the same DNA!

 

[xarden]

What's the difference between a city zoo and a redneck zoo?

In a city zoo, there is a scientific name next to the common name. In a redneck zoo, you have the common name next to a recipe.

Plus all the animals in a redneck zoo have the same DNA!

:roflmao:

Also why its so hard to solve a murder case in Alabama...

 

[xarden]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

R.I.P. BOB

 

[smarteyeball]

A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a
street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into
his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out,
and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look
about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again -
much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!"
says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man
smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.
Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin
and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having
sex wiffa wife's sista!"

 

[severedsolo]

   Warning

this joke contains adult humour, you have been warned

On the way home from a visit to a local school a bus crashes, killing 2 nuns and the Mother Superior.

When they reach the pearly gates, they meet St. Peter, who informs them that as heaven is becoming crowded, they are only letting pious people in, so they must answer a question about the Bible.

The first nun steps forward, St Peter asks "Who was the first man?" the nun replies "Adam" and St. Peter says "Congratulations, Welcome to Heaven"

The 2nd nun steps forward, and St. Peter asks "Who was the first woman?" the nun replies "Eve" and and St. Peter says "Congratulations, Welcome to Heaven"

St Peter then says to the remaining woman "As you are the Mother Superior your question will be more difficult. What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

Mother Superior stops and thinks for a while, before saying "Hmm thats a hard one"

"Congratulations, Welcome to Heaven"

   Warning

this joke doesn't contain any adult humour at all. You have been warned

A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

The blonde said, "Hellooo…. I have windows!"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the
problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched
as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes,
the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man
exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Why is there no looting in Tennessee.............................

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Why is there no looting in Tennessee.............................
View attachment 78106

I wouldn't suggest it here in the Carolinas either.

 

[steve-pressman]

Some Aussie Humour

CAUTION STRONG ADULT THEME


Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor,when she touched her. They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,"Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they'd close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?

" Bruce replied, "I guess she choked."