Jokes Thread

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Sue went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the
cage that said ... $50.00.

"Why so little?" Sue asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should

tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff."

Sue thought about this, but decided
she had to have
the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say
something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

Sue was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then
thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam,
new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, Sue's husband, Doug, came home from

work The bird looked at him and said, .........
"Hi Doug."
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dell Dimension E521
OS
Windows 8, Ubuntu 12.04 64bit, Pear Linux Triple Boot
CPU
AMD AthlonTM 64 X2 dual-core
Memory
3 GB
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Radeon HD 4350 1GB
Sound Card
M-Audio Mobile Pre USB External
Monitor(s) Displays
Acer 1916W x2
Screen Resolution
1440X900
Hard Drives
250 GB internal main, 500 GB internal backup, 1TB External
PSU
300 Watt
Keyboard
Dell
Sue went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the
cage that said ... $50.00.

"Why so little?" Sue asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should

tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff."

Sue thought about this, but decided
she had to have
the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say
something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

Sue was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then
thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam,
new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situationconsidering how and
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, Sue's husband, Doug, came home from

work The bird looked at him and said, .........
"Hi Doug."

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: And the fight began...
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home built
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
CPU
Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 3.00GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P4P800-VM Motherboard Chipset: Intel 865G + ICH5
Memory
2.50 GB RAM
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce 7600 GS
Sound Card
SoundMax Integrated Digital Audio (Chip)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VX 1962 wm
Screen Resolution
1680 X 1050
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda 7200.10 80 GB
ST380215A ATA Device 18.6 GB
Western Digital "My Book" external hard drive 750 GB
Cooling
Fan based
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000 v10 USB
Mouse
Logitec optic USB
Internet Speed
3.01 Mb/s download 0.64 Mb/s upload

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Windows has detected you do not have a
keyboard. Press 'F9" to continue.

Use The Best...
Linux for Servers
Mac for Graphics
Palm for Mobility
Windows for Solitaire

ACs are like computers- Both work fine until you open Windows!
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP, Dell, Gateway, Toshiba - 4 laptops and 2 desktops
OS
Vista, Windows7, Mint Mate, Zorin, Windows 8
CPU
from 1.6GHz Duo to i7
Monitor(s) Displays
2x HP w2207
Hard Drives
5x HDD, 7x SSD, 12x Externals
Keyboard
with trackball - no mices
Mouse
Trackball mice
Internet Speed
DSL 6000

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Windows has detected you do not have a
keyboard. Press 'F9" to continue.

Use The Best...
Linux for Servers
Mac for Graphics
Palm for Mobility
Windows for Solitaire

ACs are like computers- Both work fine until you open Windows!
Where did you get those ones Wolfgang?

;)
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Custom
OS
Windows 7 Professional x64
CPU
Intel i7 2600K OC'd @ 4620 MHz
Motherboard
Asus P8Z68-V Pro
Memory
16GB GSkill Sniper 2133 Mhz (4x4GB)
Graphics Card(s)
EVGA GeForce GTX 480 SuperClocked+
Sound Card
Realtek High Definition Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
2x Acer S273HLbmii 27"
Screen Resolution
2 x 1920x1080
Hard Drives
64GB Crucial M4 SSD

Storage: Hitachi 1TB 5400RPM, Samsung 1.5TB 5400RPM
PSU
Corsair HW Series 750w (modular)
Case
Cooler Master HAF 932 Advanced Blue Edition
Cooling
CM Hyper 212+ CPU cooler, 3x 230mm + 1x 140mm case fans
Keyboard
Logitech MK320 (wireless)
Mouse
Logitech MK320 (wireless)
Internet Speed
30 Mb/s : 2 Mb/s
I love Maxine.
maxine.jpg
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP M9077c
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
Intel(R)Core(TM)2 quad [email protected] 2.39GHz
Motherboard
ASUSeK
Memory
6GB DDR2 6400
Graphics Card(s)
GeForce 8500/512MB
Sound Card
Realtek High Def Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
HP w2408 LCD 24" widescreen
Screen Resolution
1920x1200
Cooling
6 pack of Bud
Keyboard
MS wireless Inteli
Mouse
MS wireless Inteli
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Windows has detected you do not have a keyboard. Press 'F9" to continue.

Use The Best...
Linux for Servers
Mac for Graphics
Palm for Mobility
Windows for Solitaire

ACs are like computers- Both work fine until you open Windows!
Where did you get those ones Wolfgang?

;)
I "cannibalized" them from some other place. There were more, but I really liked those.
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP, Dell, Gateway, Toshiba - 4 laptops and 2 desktops
OS
Vista, Windows7, Mint Mate, Zorin, Windows 8
CPU
from 1.6GHz Duo to i7
Monitor(s) Displays
2x HP w2207
Hard Drives
5x HDD, 7x SSD, 12x Externals
Keyboard
with trackball - no mices
Mouse
Trackball mice
Internet Speed
DSL 6000

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Windows has detected you do not have a
keyboard. Press 'F9" to continue.

Use The Best...
Linux for Servers
Mac for Graphics
Palm for Mobility
Windows for Solitaire

ACs are like computers- Both work fine until you open Windows!

Good ones, Wolfgang! :D
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home built
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
CPU
Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 3.00GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P4P800-VM Motherboard Chipset: Intel 865G + ICH5
Memory
2.50 GB RAM
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce 7600 GS
Sound Card
SoundMax Integrated Digital Audio (Chip)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VX 1962 wm
Screen Resolution
1680 X 1050
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda 7200.10 80 GB
ST380215A ATA Device 18.6 GB
Western Digital "My Book" external hard drive 750 GB
Cooling
Fan based
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000 v10 USB
Mouse
Logitec optic USB
Internet Speed
3.01 Mb/s download 0.64 Mb/s upload
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Windows has detected you do not have a keyboard. Press 'F9" to continue.

Use The Best...
Linux for Servers
Mac for Graphics
Palm for Mobility
Windows for Solitaire

ACs are like computers- Both work fine until you open Windows!
Where did you get those ones Wolfgang?

;)
I "cannibalized" them from some other place. There were more, but I really liked those.
It wasn't thewindowsclub.com, was it?
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Custom
OS
Windows 7 Professional x64
CPU
Intel i7 2600K OC'd @ 4620 MHz
Motherboard
Asus P8Z68-V Pro
Memory
16GB GSkill Sniper 2133 Mhz (4x4GB)
Graphics Card(s)
EVGA GeForce GTX 480 SuperClocked+
Sound Card
Realtek High Definition Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
2x Acer S273HLbmii 27"
Screen Resolution
2 x 1920x1080
Hard Drives
64GB Crucial M4 SSD

Storage: Hitachi 1TB 5400RPM, Samsung 1.5TB 5400RPM
PSU
Corsair HW Series 750w (modular)
Case
Cooler Master HAF 932 Advanced Blue Edition
Cooling
CM Hyper 212+ CPU cooler, 3x 230mm + 1x 140mm case fans
Keyboard
Logitech MK320 (wireless)
Mouse
Logitech MK320 (wireless)
Internet Speed
30 Mb/s : 2 Mb/s
ACs are like computers- Both work fine until you open Windows!
:roflmao:
Had to send a link to this to some Mac fanboys I know, they are going to love this!
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP ENVY 17-1150eg
OS
Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
CPU
1.6 GHz Intel Core i7-720QM Processor
Memory
6 GB
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Mobility Radeon HD 5850 Graphics
Sound Card
Beats sound system with integrated subwoofer
Monitor(s) Displays
17" laptop display, 22" LED and 32" Full HD TV through HDMI
Screen Resolution
1600*900 (1), 1920*1080 (2&3)
Hard Drives
Internal: 2 x 500 GB SATA Hard Disk Drive 7200 rpm
External: 2TB for backups, 3TB USB3 network drive for media
Cooling
As Envy runs a bit warm, I have it on a Cooler Master pad
Keyboard
Logitech diNovo Media Desktop Laser (bluetooth)
Mouse
Logitech Performance Mouse MX
Internet Speed
50/10 Mbps VDSL
Antivirus
Windows Defender 4.3.9431.0
Browser
Maxthon 3.5.2., IE11

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP, Dell, Gateway, Toshiba - 4 laptops and 2 desktops
OS
Vista, Windows7, Mint Mate, Zorin, Windows 8
CPU
from 1.6GHz Duo to i7
Monitor(s) Displays
2x HP w2207
Hard Drives
5x HDD, 7x SSD, 12x Externals
Keyboard
with trackball - no mices
Mouse
Trackball mice
Internet Speed
DSL 6000

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Custom
OS
Windows 7 Professional x64
CPU
Intel i7 2600K OC'd @ 4620 MHz
Motherboard
Asus P8Z68-V Pro
Memory
16GB GSkill Sniper 2133 Mhz (4x4GB)
Graphics Card(s)
EVGA GeForce GTX 480 SuperClocked+
Sound Card
Realtek High Definition Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
2x Acer S273HLbmii 27"
Screen Resolution
2 x 1920x1080
Hard Drives
64GB Crucial M4 SSD

Storage: Hitachi 1TB 5400RPM, Samsung 1.5TB 5400RPM
PSU
Corsair HW Series 750w (modular)
Case
Cooler Master HAF 932 Advanced Blue Edition
Cooling
CM Hyper 212+ CPU cooler, 3x 230mm + 1x 140mm case fans
Keyboard
Logitech MK320 (wireless)
Mouse
Logitech MK320 (wireless)
Internet Speed
30 Mb/s : 2 Mb/s
12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts


  1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.​
  2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.​
  3. I will get dressed before noon.​
  4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.​
  5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.​
  6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.​
  7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.​
  8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.​
  9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.​
  10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.​
  11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.​
  12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!​
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Medion Erazer (note to self: insert model number) - with custom additions
OS
Windows 10 Pro x64
CPU
Intel Core i5 7400 @ 3.00GHz
Motherboard
OEM supllied with PC
Memory
8GB 2133Mhz DDR4 (OEM supplied)
Graphics Card(s)
Gygabyte Windforce GTX 1050Ti (Factory Overclocked)
Sound Card
Realtek
Monitor(s) Displays
Acer Al1980 + HKC
Screen Resolution
1360*768(HKC) / 1280*1024(Acer)
Hard Drives
1TB Toshiba
1TB WD Caviar Green
120GB Samsung Evo 840
PSU
OEM supplied (no power rating on case)
Case
OEM Supplied
Cooling
Stock
Keyboard
Logitech Wireless
Mouse
Logitect Wireless
Internet Speed
40Mb/s Down 10Mb/s Up
Antivirus
Defender
Browser
Firefox

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home built
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
CPU
Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 3.00GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P4P800-VM Motherboard Chipset: Intel 865G + ICH5
Memory
2.50 GB RAM
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce 7600 GS
Sound Card
SoundMax Integrated Digital Audio (Chip)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VX 1962 wm
Screen Resolution
1680 X 1050
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda 7200.10 80 GB
ST380215A ATA Device 18.6 GB
Western Digital "My Book" external hard drive 750 GB
Cooling
Fan based
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000 v10 USB
Mouse
Logitec optic USB
Internet Speed
3.01 Mb/s download 0.64 Mb/s upload
[SIZE=-1]Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"[/SIZE]
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Medion Erazer (note to self: insert model number) - with custom additions
OS
Windows 10 Pro x64
CPU
Intel Core i5 7400 @ 3.00GHz
Motherboard
OEM supllied with PC
Memory
8GB 2133Mhz DDR4 (OEM supplied)
Graphics Card(s)
Gygabyte Windforce GTX 1050Ti (Factory Overclocked)
Sound Card
Realtek
Monitor(s) Displays
Acer Al1980 + HKC
Screen Resolution
1360*768(HKC) / 1280*1024(Acer)
Hard Drives
1TB Toshiba
1TB WD Caviar Green
120GB Samsung Evo 840
PSU
OEM supplied (no power rating on case)
Case
OEM Supplied
Cooling
Stock
Keyboard
Logitech Wireless
Mouse
Logitect Wireless
Internet Speed
40Mb/s Down 10Mb/s Up
Antivirus
Defender
Browser
Firefox
[SIZE=-1]Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"[/SIZE]
I am beginning to relate to that! :D
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home built
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
CPU
Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 3.00GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P4P800-VM Motherboard Chipset: Intel 865G + ICH5
Memory
2.50 GB RAM
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce 7600 GS
Sound Card
SoundMax Integrated Digital Audio (Chip)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VX 1962 wm
Screen Resolution
1680 X 1050
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda 7200.10 80 GB
ST380215A ATA Device 18.6 GB
Western Digital "My Book" external hard drive 750 GB
Cooling
Fan based
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000 v10 USB
Mouse
Logitec optic USB
Internet Speed
3.01 Mb/s download 0.64 Mb/s upload
[SIZE=-1]Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]"You mean a rose?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"[/SIZE]
I am beginning to relate to that! :D

And that's the bitch of it Carl
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Put together
OS
Win7 Pro-64 Bit
CPU
i7-2600-3.4GHz
Motherboard
ASRock Z68M
Memory
8 GIG DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
onboard
Sound Card
onboard
Hard Drives
Seagate 1TB 7200RPM
PSU
680 W
Case
black
Cooling
stock fans
Keyboard
Microsoft
Mouse
Microsoft optical
A Redneck Love Poem


SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I' D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW.
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY
**************************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it!)
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Put together
OS
Win7 Pro-64 Bit
CPU
i7-2600-3.4GHz
Motherboard
ASRock Z68M
Memory
8 GIG DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
onboard
Sound Card
onboard
Hard Drives
Seagate 1TB 7200RPM
PSU
680 W
Case
black
Cooling
stock fans
Keyboard
Microsoft
Mouse
Microsoft optical
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only
made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled:

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dell Hell oh Well
OS
Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
CPU
Intel Core 2 Duo 2.93GHz
Memory
Not much with my ADHD
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Radeon HD 4350
Monitor(s) Displays
24" HDTV/Monitor
Screen Resolution
Blurry after a Scotch or 2
Hard Drives
1 HDD 250 GB, 1 HDD 1 TB, 3 - 1 TB Externals
Case
Don't get on my case...man :D
Cooling
I have an Air Conditioner & Diet Pepsi
Keyboard
Saitek Cyborg
Mouse
10 yr old MS optical mouse that still works
Internet Speed
Never fast enough
Antivirus
Various
Browser
Various
Maxine's advice for the day!

"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."

"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead
 

My Computer My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP M9077c
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
Intel(R)Core(TM)2 quad [email protected] 2.39GHz
Motherboard
ASUSeK
Memory
6GB DDR2 6400
Graphics Card(s)
GeForce 8500/512MB
Sound Card
Realtek High Def Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
HP w2408 LCD 24" widescreen
Screen Resolution
1920x1200
Cooling
6 pack of Bud
Keyboard
MS wireless Inteli
Mouse
MS wireless Inteli
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