Jokes Thread

[steve-pressman]

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.
Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
"Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."
"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"

 

[steve-pressman]

A Redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman hidden in the shadows.


"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!," Bubba answers sounding annoyed

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face."

HA HA heard a few variations of that but still funny


Steve

 

[noobvious]

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.
Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
"Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."
"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper For a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to him..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

 

[Borg 386]

An old lady was walking down the road with 2 garbage bags. A cop noticed that one of the bags was loosing 20$ bills. He gathered them up, and walking up to her said "Excuse me, but are you aware you have a hole in your bag?"

The old lady looked at him and said "Why thank you sonny, thank you so much."

The cop, looking at the old lady asked her "If you don't mind my asking, where did you get all that money?"

The old lady stopped and said "Well, you see officer, my house is right up against the baseball field. Some of the people waiting in line don't go to the bathrooms, they just like to stick it through the holes in my fence. And when that happens, I get out my rose trimming shears and tell them to pass me a twenty or I'll lop it off".

The cop burst into laughter saying "Well, you sure have a good system there and I can't blame you for what you're doing. There must be a lot of people doing that for you to have 2 bags full of money."

The old lady says "Oh, there's only one bag of money. You see, not all of em pays up!"

 

[Kirsch]

the old lady says "oh, there's only one bag of money. You see, not all of em pays up!"

ouch lol

 

[CarlTR6]

An old lady was walking down the road with 2 garbage bags. A cop noticed that one of the bags was loosing 20$ bills. He gathered them up, and walking up to her said "Excuse me, but are you aware you have a hole in your bag?"

The old lady looked at him and said "Why thank you sonny, thank you so much."

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Thorsen]

gives new meaning to the term "Private Property"

 

[CarlTR6]

gives new meaning to the term "Private Property"

 

[WindowsStar]

I love it! You wife has no sense of humor. :y114:

Neither does mine: We were on vacation (holiday) and she wanted to go to a mall; I did not want to go and I asked why we would go to the Mall on vacation???. She said that she needed something from a store that our stores do not carry. Needless to say we went to the mall. While at the Mall I was wandering around and found a kiosk that made one-off bumper stickers. I figured why not, I asked the guy if he could make up 10, he said yes and I was off. When we got home I put one on her car and mine. The bumper sticker reads:

“Sleep with a computer technician and stay virus free”

I love the play on words. She was NOT happy and I had to remove the bumper stickers. UGH!

I liked your JOKE !!!!..

I added my bumper sticker to my sig....

 

[BrightBlessings]

Two Aliens

Some yeas ago two aliens landed in outback Australia near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Browned off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You don't want to do that! It will make him angry.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

two aliens

some yeas ago two aliens landed in outback australia near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
the gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'i'd calm down if i were you.'
the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Browned off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or i will fire!"
the older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'you don't want to do that! It will make him angry.'
'rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'what a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'he darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

the older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'if there's one thing i've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

roflmao!

 

[Borg 386]

As you get older just remember:

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

 

[Borg 386]

E mailing or internet acces via Blackberry will no longer be possible in Saudi Arabia and the UAE where the service will be blocked, government announcements have stated.

The reason given for the decision is Blackberry's refusal to modify its systems to allow monitoring of internet traffic on Blackberry by the two countries' security agencies.

The decision, while causing disappointment and consternation among Blackberry users living or visiting there, has also started humour mills turning. Example:

New laws in Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates will require that every Blackberry user dress their phone a miniature burqa and face veil.

‘The Blackberry burqa means that people can still use their phones,’ said a Saudi government official, ‘but the tiny niqab that covers the screen will stop them from reading emails or accessing the Internet.’

Some businessmen believe that making their phone wear a burqa can be very liberating. ‘It’s great,’ said one, ‘with the veil in place I am free to walk about with my Blackberry in public without the feeling that people are staring lustily at my multi-media application. It also covers my shame for not owning an iPhone.’

The Saudi government have promised that anyone who refuses to dress their Blackberry in a burqa will face harsh punishment. ‘I am not saying exactly what we will do,’ said their Minister for Justice, ‘but suffice to say that it isn’t so easy to text with your toes.’

 

[Jonathan_King]

E mailing or internet acces via Blackberry will no longer be possible in Saudi Arabia and the UAE where the service will be blocked, government announcements have stated.

The reason given for the decision is Blackberry's refusal to modify its systems to allow monitoring of internet traffic on Blackberry by the two countries' security agencies.

The decision, while causing disappointment and consternation among Blackberry users living or visiting there, has also started humour mills turning. Example:

New laws in Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates will require that every Blackberry user dress their phone a miniature burqa and face veil.

‘The Blackberry burqa means that people can still use their phones,’ said a Saudi government official, ‘but the tiny niqab that covers the screen will stop them from reading emails or accessing the Internet.’

Some businessmen believe that making their phone wear a burqa can be very liberating. ‘It’s great,’ said one, ‘with the veil in place I am free to walk about with my Blackberry in public without the feeling that people are staring lustily at my multi-media application. It also covers my shame for not owning an iPhone.’

The Saudi government have promised that anyone who refuses to dress their Blackberry in a burqa will face harsh punishment. ‘I am not saying exactly what we will do,’ said their Minister for Justice, ‘but suffice to say that it isn’t so easy to text with your toes.’

Reminds me of The Onion.

 

[Dinesh]

Why is my Internet explorer running slow?

 

[derekimo]

Why is my Internet explorer running slow?

View attachment 89847

Toolbar fetish?

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Dinesh]

Why is my Internet explorer running slow?

View attachment 89847

Toolbar fetish?

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Bondage. :roflmao:

 

[noobvious]

Why is my Internet explorer running slow?

View attachment 89847

Wow!

 

[Borg 386]

Why is my Internet explorer running slow?

I think the bigger question here is why is the PC still running?