Jokes Thread

[SofTones]

A woman went to the doctor with a VERY unusual problem... she had 3 holes!!! "wah, " said the doc... "... never seen anything like that before...." "can you cure it ?" says the woman... the doctor stuck a Bandaid over 2 of the holes... "Am I cured..? " said the woman... "No !" said doc "... but that will stop you getting ****ed left right and centre..."

 

[jfar]

An old, blind cowboy wandered into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the waiter, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately fell absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him said, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should
Know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat 2. The bouncer
is a blonde woman

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
'The blind cowboy thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered,

'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

[Antman]

What's grey on top and lays in a ditch?

An old blind cowboy who told one too many blond jokes.

 

[jfar]

+10.

 

[jfar]

Two blonds walked into a wood, the first one said, "Oh look over there, they’re Rabbit tracks"
The other one said, "No they’re Bear tracks." “No they’re Rabbit tracks,” “No they’re bear tracks,” they stood there arguing for a good while,
Bear no Rabbit, Bear, no Rabbit................ They were both killed by the train.

 

[Tews]

What do you call 7 blonds sitting under a flatbed trailer....

air-ride....

 

[Scotteq]

Did you guys hear the one about the Blonde who sewed fur onto the hem of her dress??

...to keep her neck warm.



What's the first thing a blonde does when she gets up in the morning??

...she goes home



Did you hear the one about the Blonde spy who had to blow up a foreign dignitary's car?


...she burned her lips on the tailpipe

 

[H2SO4]

Hunter. In the forest. Spots a bear in the distance. Takes aim. Bang! The bear drops dead.

Almost immediately, the hunter feels a tapping on his shoulder. He turns around to see another bear, standing this time, talking to him sternly.

"That was my cousin you just shot. To make amends, you can either ... share my den, or I'll maul you to death instead - take your pick!"

The hunter looks the bear up and down in anxious contemplation, and then surrenders to the inevitable.

A week later, once he can walk again, the hunter goes back into the forest to find the second bear. The search is soon fruitful. BANG! The bear keels over. Unbelievably, seconds later an even bigger paw lands on his shoulder.

"That was my brother. He already told you how we extract revenge around these parts. No, it's no use whimpering!"

The hunter is a broken man. He crawls out of the forest and spends a full month recouperating, but eventually he is once again well enough to go back.

BANG!

A paw comes down on his shoulder, not entirely unexpectedly. It is an immense paw, hairy and wide, attached to the biggest and meanest bear imaginable. The bear's drawl is straight out of "Deliverance":

"Face it son - you ain't really here for the huntin', are ya?"

 

[masterB]

You've got Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

 

[masterB]

Sometime blondes are tricky!

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

 

[wallyinnc]

:roflmao:They do deserve a break once in a while:roflmao:

 

[masterB]

:roflmao:They do deserve a break once in a while:roflmao:

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[DocBrown]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance..'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't...

I'm impressed'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know,

fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

 

[Antman]

 

[whs]

Here are a couple of redneck jokes I just heard (I hope nobody is offended):

Q: Why are redneck murders never solved?
A: Because the DNA is all the same and they have no dental records

or

A rich redneck dies. His widow wants to collect the estate - problem is, she has to wait until she is 14.

 

[Antman]

 

[whs]

Very nice Antman. I am a big Country and Blue Grass fan.

 

[wallyinnc]

Newlywed couple gets home from honeymoon. When they are entering their new lovenest, the husband says: “well, now it is a good time for us to get some ground rules established”
“On Mondays and Wednesdays it is game night with my friends”
“Tuesdays nights are poker nights. Thursday we go out for a good cigar”
“On Fridays we vary, but it is usually happy hour until late in the evening. OK?”
“OK”, she said, “but here at home I will have sex every night, you being here or not”

 

[QuackPot]

A man walks into a bar.




Ouch!

 

[masterB]

About blondes

[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark![/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.[/FONT]
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[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.[/FONT]
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[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."[/FONT]
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[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.[/FONT]
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[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

[/FONT] [FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave[/FONT]
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[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?[/FONT]


[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.[/FONT]
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[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.[/FONT]
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[FONT=comic sans ms,arial]Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.[/FONT]